


White Hawk

by Raiven_Raine



Category: Fallout (Video Games)
Genre: Angst, Backstory, Camaraderie, Character Development, Death, Depression, Did I Mention This Is A War Story?, F/M, First Time, First Time Blow Jobs, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Gritty As Fuck, Heavy Angst, Insecurity, M/M, Male Bonding, Non-Graphic Smut, Original Character Death(s), Other, Pansexual Character, Period-Typical Racism, Psychological Torture, Racism, Scenes Depicting A P.O.W., Sexual Tension, Sexuality Discovery, Slow Burn, Underage Drinking, Underage Soldiers, War, photo-prompt, war related violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-17
Updated: 2016-12-17
Packaged: 2018-09-09 02:39:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 33,321
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8872537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Raiven_Raine/pseuds/Raiven_Raine
Summary: **This fic is the DECEMBER 2016 entry for LGA's 4 part photo-prompt contest on Tumblr!
   - - - - - - - -
  
    Gavin finally tells his story...
    It's a tale of love, loss, pain and sorrow. The story of his scars, his name, his family and the time they shared in the Great War.
    
       - - - - - - - -
      
        " No, this was — at least on the surface — foxhole bonding, of the type we hear about from soldiers going back thousands of years. When you start a week with 30 men and end it with 15, those survivors have shared something incredibly intense. Military culture fosters that kind of intense relationship deliberately, because it’s about the only thing that makes the inhuman work of fighting even remotely tolerable, and has the mysterious power of making ordinary souls capable of heroism when the time comes. When the guys in your unit matter more than anything, you’ll do what you need to do to get them out alive."
        --Dian Hanson





	1. Open Wounds

**Author's Note:**

  * For [likegoodangels](https://archiveofourown.org/users/likegoodangels/gifts).



>   
>   
> ****
> 
> December 2016 Photo Prompt
> 
>   
>   
>   
> 
> 
> \- - - - - - - - - - - - - 
> 
> This is tagged underage but not under the main Underage tags because I never specify Gavin's age at the time he has sex in this story (it can be extrapolated from text that he's probably 18 at least), but it is mentioned that he's not a virgin, which means he had underage sex at some point in his life before this story takes place.
> 
> There is a scene depicting underaged boys looking at nude images of women.
> 
> There is some flirting, very vaguely referenced masturbation fantasies and sexual thoughts from an underaged character.
> 
> \- - - - - - - - 
> 
> This fic was inspired completely by the pic from the prompt and this song/video (they go hand in hand for me):
> 
> [ **Баста - Я смотрю на небо** (The song from Outpost White Hawk)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fk3ZpzJN2-0)  
> 
> 
>   
> 
> 
> * keeping up with my movie inspiration theme i seem to have going... all of the chapters/parts dealing with the outpost were inspired by the movie/documentary [Restrepo](http://restrepothemovie.com/)
> 
> ** I would like to thank my friend 'D' for his insight into a few things and spending time talking to me about his time in the war in Afghanistan. With his permission, I borrowed some of his wartime stories and thoughts and used them as inspiration for a couple scenes in White Hawk.

  
  
  
  
  


****

###  \- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

****

Piper giggled as Gavin pulled her down onto his lap and kissed her bare shoulder. He trailed his teeth along her skin and growled softly against her as he bit her collarbone.

“I’m trying to work, Blue…” She pushed at his chest half-heartedly. 

“Mm…” He nipped her neck then spoke quietly against her ear, “me too…”

She closed her eyes and cooed. “You’re absolutely… Insatiable.”

“Uh-huh…” He turned and lowered her onto the bed he was sitting on, “and you love it.”

She giggled again. “Guilty.” She squirmed under him for a moment, “Blue… I need to get this article written…”

“I’ll give you something to write about.” He grinned down at her. 

“Oh really? Knight Gavin Kidd and his supernatural charm?”

He shook his head, “No… Knight Gavin Kidd, world’s greatest lover.”

She rolled her eyes and laughed, “were you born this way or gifted magical abilities by some sort of God?”

“Born what way?” He feigned ignorance.

“Confidant. Charismatic. A sexy silver-tongued devil who can talk the clothes off anyone anytime and anyplace…” 

He chuckled, “believe it or not, I was once an oblivious awkward teenager.”

“Yeah… I don’t believe that.” She smiled as she looked over his face and her eyes paused on the long faded scar running down over his eye. 

He raised an eyebrow at her and she looked down. 

“Sorry…”

He shrugged. 

“I actually like it.”

He grinned, “I know you do.”

“You ever going to tell me how you got it?” She asked carefully. For about the hundredth time. 

“I did tell you.” He raised his eyebrows, “got in a fight with a bear.”

“Uh-huh.” Piper snorted, “and I should see the bear. You need to come up with a better story.”

Gav fell silent for a moment. “You really wanna know about my scars?”

She gave a slow nod, “tell me your story, Blue.”

He pulled away from her and sat back. Gavin was quiet for a while as he thought about it. He’d never told anyone about his scars. He had never told anyone anything about his time in the war. She asked him. Several times. She wanted to write a book about him. That seemed absurd. 

His story wasn’t glamorous or exciting; It was full of nothing but heartache and pain, loss and sorrow. He mulled it over in his mind then cracked a little smile. Distant. There were some good times. 

Gavin gave a small nod, took a breath, and let everything out that he’d been holding onto for so very long…

“Once upon a time, there was an angry young kid who ran away to join the military...”  
  


****

###  \- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

****

Gavin stared at his reflection in the mirror as his fingertips trailed along the angry red scar cutting through his skin. It ran straight down from his hairline and split his left brow, continuing under his eye down over his cheek almost to his jaw. It itched in places, was numb in others. When he made certain faces… It hurt. Would it always feel like that?

He hadn’t stitched it up after it happened. Perhaps he should have. Hindsight was always 20-20. Instead of doing anything intelligent, such as stitch the wound, Gavin ran. 

_Tried to run._

Funny thing… You can never escape your own head. 

Images. Scenes. Faces. He saw them everywhere he went. When he closed his eyes, there they were. Vivid. Red. 

He was supposed to watch over his sister. Protect her. He failed. Gavin failed and she had been killed. Right there in her own bedroom behind a closed door he couldn’t open in time. How would things have changed if he were only sixty seconds faster? 

His eyes started to sting, yet he continued to stare at the scar. His mark of failure. That constant reminder of his loss painted across his face in a deep, painful, red line. 

The door opened and two people stepped into the bathroom. Gavin couldn’t tear his eyes from the reflection even as one of them started yelling at him. Whatever the officer was saying didn’t quite register for a moment… Until the man tried harder to get his attention.

“... And stop staring at your ugly fucking mug!” The officer put a hand on Gavin’s shoulder, “I know you speak English, gyppo--”  
  


****

###  \- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

****

Gavin stood quietly at parade rest in the small office while his General flipped through papers in a folder. One of the men from the bathroom incident stood beside him. A young dark haired sergeant that he’d only known a few weeks and could never remember the name of. Not his direct superior, but a superior nonetheless. Gavin didn’t care to remember names.

General Davis squinted at a paper then raised his eyes, “why are you here, Kidd?”

“I struck an officer, Sir.” 

The man sat back in the chair with a sigh, “cut the crap, Kidd. You know what I’m getting at. Why were you so damn hell bent to be here that you lied about your age just to get in and then what? Start shit? You’ve been nothing but headstrong, temperamental, and borderline insubordinate ever since you arrived at basic back in the States.”

Gavin worked to keep from shrugging. “I’m eighteen, Sir.” 

Davis pointed at him, “first off, that’s bullshit, I’m not stupid. Second…” He shook his head, “I don’t give a shit how old you are. You could be five years old for all I fucking care that wasn’t what I asked.” 

“I’m just another patriotic American here to do my part.” A small grin, “Sir.” 

The quiet ticking of a clock filled the silence as Davis stared at him, completely unconvinced.

Silence made Gavin uneasy. Behind his back, his fingers tightened around his hand as he struggled to remain standing still. He didn’t want to talk about this. Why was he here? _To kill people._ The man who had murdered his sister and cut his face had got away from him, so he figured the next best thing to do would be to put that man’s face to his enemy and act out revenge. He planned on killing that man over and over until he was taken down or there was nobody left… And his mother had told him he wasn’t going to die in this upcoming war. That made Gavin insanely bold in his actions and left only the latter; He would kill them all. 

“Alright, Mr. Patriot, have it your way.” Davis finally sighed and sat forward, closing the file and folding his hands over it. “I understand that officer laid hands on you first?” He cocked his head slightly to the sergeant standing beside Gav.

The man gave a curt nod, “yes, Sir. Lieutenant Ingerson was goading Private Kidd and put a hand on him in a malicious manner. Kidd defended himself.”

Davis snorted softly, “defended himself? He busted a mirror across Ingerson’s face.” 

The sergeant nodded, “yes, Sir. He had it coming.”

“Can’t say I disagree.” The General chuckled quietly, “guy’s an ass at the best of times.” He opened a drawer and pulled out a long paper and a pen. “While your transgression can’t go unpunished,” He pointed the pen at Gav before scrawling his signature across the bottom of the page, “I hate filling out paperwork…” Davis stamped the paper and held it out for Gavin to take, “and I’d really hate to see a hot-blooded patriotic American such as yourself get eighty-sixed before he can do some real good.”

Gavin timidly took the paper and glanced down at it for a second. “What’s this?” Not that he was going to complain or anything, but weren’t they going to punish him?

“You’re being stationed elsewhere.” A little smile pulled at the corner of his mouth, “you’ve received a good recommendation from someone who’s opinion I happen to give a damn about.” Davis motioned to the sergeant, “it’s only because of his word that you aren’t getting the boot to rot in a prison somewhere, so I suggest you thank him and be on your way to Alaska, ASAP.”  
  


**\- - - - - - - - - -**

Gavin walked beside the sergeant, staring down at the paper in his hands. “Good recommendation?” He stopped and looked up at the man.

“Correct.” He smiled, “you’ve been pretty oblivious, but I’ve noticed you.”

“Well you must be pretty oblivious yourself because all I’ve done is cause trouble.” He folded the paper and stuffed it in a pocket.

“Would you like to know what I’ve noticed, Private?” 

Gav rolled his eyes and crossed his arms stubbornly. “That I’m a lawless Gypsy asshole with a temper problem?” That was what everyone noticed. Or, rather, what they all said about him. 

“You have a great deal of passion.” He started walking once more and Gavin heeled beside him. “And a lot of potential. You may be headstrong and quarrelsome, but it’s only because you have heart and morals you aren’t willing to sacrifice.” Another smile, “we need more people like you around here, so I’d like to see you stick around.” The sergeant put a hand on Gav’s shoulder, “curb that temper a little and you’re going to do some great things.”

Gavin blinked at him stupidly then stared at the ground as they walked on in silence.

The sergeant stopped in front of the barracks and Gav looked over his shoulder at the man before entering. “Thank you...” He had meant thanks for the kind words, but he felt a little awkward about it so he tacked on a quick, “for the rec.” 

He patted Gav on the back and chuckled, “don’t thank me just yet.” He took a few steps back and pointed a finger with a wink, “You’re headed right into Hell, Kidd… And the next time I see you, I expect you’ll be giving the devil a run for his money.”  
  


****

###  \- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

****

Gavin stood off to the side of the helipad as the bird lifted off behind him. The forward base was… enormous. It was like its own little town comprised of semi-permanent buildings nestled in an open valley meadow. The place looked like a huge, very busy, caravan camp.

It had been late afternoon when he left his previous post and now it was nearly midnight… And the sun was still sitting on the horizon bathing the jagged snow-capped mountains in a golden wash. 

He stared at the mountains in a slight stupor as soldiers moved around him in large groups. All the sounds of the base flooded around Gavin in a cacophony which was both somehow muffled and sharp at the same time. Voices of people yelling across the camp to one another, issuing orders, marching soldiers up and down the central roadway. There were vehicles moving around. Some laughter somewhere in the distance. A loud crash and subsequent yelling from someone dropping a crate off the back of a truck suddenly broke Gav out of his dumbfounded trance and he noticed a man approaching him. 

He shook Gav’s hand and pushed his glasses up with one finger, a huge smile plastered on his face that Gavin suspected was a permanent fixture. 

“Lieutenant Thomas Morgan, Intel and Logistics.” He put a hand on Gavin’s shoulder to escort him, “I don’t know who’s Sugar Bombs you pissed in to get here, but welcome to Patterson’s Suicide Squad, Private Kidd!”

“Patterson’s Suicide Squad?” He furrowed his brow.

“Ah, yeah. Humor is how I cope with the cold.” He rubbed his hands together for emphasis. “I’ll give you the ten cent tour and you can get settled.”  
  


**\- - - - - - - - - -**

They were trying to kill him. Well, get him killed, at any rate. Gavin had discovered that PSS was where they liked to place their problem children. The Suicide Squad was like being put in the corner for a time out... Right up on the front lines in enemy sights.

That was fine by him. All the closer to the enemy. 

While many of the soldiers ignored him, some were openly interested in the newcomer. Soldiers spent a lot of time on their asses, so anything new was always interesting. A break in the monotony. Something to talk about…

And they did talk. Immediately. Gavin saw soldiers pointing at him and talking to one another in every building Morgan brought him to. He even heard his name a couple times. Some of them had apparently heard he was coming. You can’t stop the scuttlebutt. 

The Lieutenant left Gavin in the barracks after pointing him to an empty bunk. 

Gav sat down on the edge of the bottom bunk quietly and stared at the floor for a while. Should probably sleep. He was tired and hungry, but the strange daylight confused his senses. Even though soldiers had towels up over most of the windows, there was just a weird feeling in his head that it wasn’t really night. 

“Ey, newbie.” The soldier on the bunk above him leaned over and peered down. “Ya don’t snore, do ya?” He spoke with a heavy Irish accent.

Gavin leaned forward and twisted a bit to look up at him, “I don’t--”

“Holy mother of dog fuck that’s a wicked cut! Ya get in a fight with a bear?” He laughed.

Narrowing his eyes dangerously, Gav growled at him, “no…”

The soldier looked him up and down for a moment then nodded, “ya get yer arse kicked in the last unit?”

“Did you?” He glared.

“Haven’t got my arse kicked yet.” He cocked his chin and flashed a smirk.

“Would you like to? Keep talking.” 

“Cocky bastard, ain’t ya?” He swung his legs down and hopped off the bunk. “I’m game.”

Gavin stood and stared up at him. He was tall. _Really tall._ No matter, they all fell the same when hit just right. 

“Lemme help ya sleep...” He flashed another smirk, balled his fists, and took a step back.

The kid was quick and he didn’t mess around. Gavin could appreciate that, if the asshole hadn’t just hit him. He had failed to move out of that long reaching left hook and caught it on his brow as he tried to duck under. Gav awkwardly tackled the kid in the small space between bunks and they both fell. He straddled the soldier and got one punch to the kid’s face in before hands were on him and he was pulled off. 

Gavin shrugged out of the loose grip some other soldier had on him and glared at the other boy on the floor as someone helped him up. 

He was laughing. 

“Damn, Scrappy! I’d hate ta see the bear that picked that fight with ya!” He pressed his fingertips against the bruise blossoming on his cheek. He turned to the boy standing beside him, who was also laughing. “Ya see that?”

“Low tolerance fer bullshit.” He had the same accent as the other.

The soldier standing to the side of Gavin, who had pulled him off, looked Gav’s face over. “Sorry about that, the O’Malley boys are idiots.”

Gavin looked away to avoid any further comments on his scar. 

The boy beside him stuck a hand out to shake. “Hirsch.” 

Gav ignored the outstretched hand and sat back down on the bunk. All he wanted to do was sleep. What would that sergeant have to say about him if he were there? _Curb the temper._ He hadn’t even been in Alaska six hours and he’d gotten into another fight. 

He snorted a quiet chuckle and laid down, staring at the underside of the bunk above him as the other soldier hopped back up and the other two went back to their own.

“Night, Scrappy.” He laughed from above.  
  


****

###  \- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

****

He stared down at the tin cup of coffee warming his hands. He’d never liked coffee until he spent hours on patrols with no sleep. Gav took a drink and made a face. Come to think of it, he still didn’t like coffee. He set it on a crate beside him and stepped closer to a table of soldiers playing cards. Games were one of the very few ways to keep sanity in a place like this and Gavin really enjoyed games.

A soldier across the table, Private Jacobs as his patches read, glared at him and Gavin rolled his eyes. 

“You wanna play?” Another soldier cocked his chin and raised the cards in his hand before folding them on the table. 

Gav smiled faintly and nodded, touching a hand to the back of an empty seat.

Jacobs pointed to him then to the side, “fuck no. Fuck off.”

Not this again. He sighed and rolled his eyes once more.

“Let him play, for fuck’s sake.”

The first glared at him again as he spoke to the others, “some great tips on life, boys. Don’t piss into the wind, don’t eat yellow snow… And never play betting games with a gyppo.” 

They laughed quietly. It was a joke to them, but it was personal to Gavin. 

He shoved the chair against the table harder than he meant to and turned away. His reputation had, apparently, preceded him. It would have been simple enough to blend in with all the other American boys, all he had to do was keep his mouth shut. Let it slip one time to the wrong person, however… 

The only thing most people seemed interested in were rumors and any dirt they could dig up to throw in his face. _‘Gyppo’_ had been thrown in his face roughly seven times in the past three days since his arrival.

Gavin was amused at the rumor of him killing an officer, however. If he’d done that, would he even be here right now? Rumors were a funny thing sometimes. 

“Can play with us, if ya want.” 

He turned to see one of the O’Malley boys smiling at him. The shorter one. Aedan? Gav nodded and followed him to a bunch of crates they had set up to sit on and play dominoes. He hesitated to sit down when he saw the other O’Malley brother staring up at him. 

Then the boy gave a lopsided welcoming grin and pointed to the unoccupied crate across their make-shift table.  
  


**\- - - - - - - - - -**

Gavin started to relax a little at the crate table once he discovered the O’Malley brothers held similar views as his own. Make friends by punching them in the face, apparently. Those boys seemed to like a good fight. And Sebastian Hirsch? Now that Gav was more willing to have conversation, he found that there was just something completely comforting about that guy.

“How old are ya, Kiddo?” Torin drew a couple dominoes and glanced up through his lashes. 

“Old enough to know better, still too young to care.” He shrugged.

“Doubt yer old enough ta know better.” Aedan smirked as he laid a piece down.

Gav feigned thought then smiled and nodded. Hirsch nudged him with an elbow and handed him his drink. The liquid in the tin mug looked like tea, but it was watered down whiskey. They weren’t supposed to get drunk, but there was nothing wrong with warming up with some alcohol. Much better than the black sludge these people called coffee. 

Aedan was staring at Gav through his lashes quietly for a minute and Gavin adjusted himself on the crate uncomfortably. Instinctively, his hand went to the scar on his face and he worked to stop touching it out of self-conscious nervousness. 

“What?” Gavin tried to keep from glaring.

“Why do ya talk like that?” Aedan tilted his head.

“Like what?” Gavin knew what he meant, but asked anyway with a guarded tone.

“Like…” Torin motioned with a hand as he finished his brother's thoughts, “ya know.”

He narrowed his eyes a little, “like an American? Because I am.” 

“No…” Torin pointed at him, “like a _smart_ American.”

Gavin couldn’t hold back the glare anymore. “Because I _am.”_

Hirsch spoke quietly, “think he’s curious about your accent.”

Torin nodded, “yeah, ya don’t really have one. It’s faint. And ya use big words.”

“No I don’t.” He glanced over at Hirsch, who simply shrugged. He got a little frustrated. “This is how I was taught to speak.”

“See?” Aedan pointed, “ya say _speak_ insteada _talk.”_

They’d never understand and Gav didn’t want to try and explain it to them. He sighed and tried to keep calm, “my father’s family has been in America for a while. It’s easier to speak like an educated American then it is to be Roma.” He gave the boys a steady look, “so this is how I was taught to speak.” His face clearly said he was done with that particular topic. 

The boys looked thoughtful for a moment then nodded in understanding and Gavin relaxed a little. 

“Ya like cars?” Aedan raised an eyebrow at Gavin.

“Cars?” He made a face then shrugged. 

Aedan snorted, “yeah, cars. Ya know, big machines ya drive around. They got ‘em in big cities, ya probably never--”

“I know what a car is.” Gavin narrowed his eyes and tacked on a mental, _‘if you call me gyppo, I swear to fucking Christ I will jump over this table…’_

“At’s right, pikeys don’t drive cars...” Aedan shrugged casually. 

“Ya drive horses.” Torin nodded.

“Ride.” Gav sighed again. He didn’t really have the time or the patience to straighten them out. They weren’t being mean, they were being ignorant. He could forgive that. 

“You have a horse?” Sebastian raised an eyebrow and smiled at him as he drew some dominoes from the pile. 

Gavin stared down at the crate for a moment. Whenever he ventured into a city, he felt out of place. He didn’t like cities so much. Gav wanted friends. Sure, he could do just fine on his own, but he was a social creature by nature and he didn’t want these guys to think he was a dumb country boy who didn’t know how to drive a car or read very well. Truth was, Gavin _didn’t_ know how to drive… Or read very well. 

He nodded and took another drink from the cup to avoid talking about it. He had to leave Gringolet behind. Gavin had that beast since he was a little kid and now… He didn’t want to think about how long he’d be in this war. He’d probably never see any of his family ever again. He’d run away on an impulse without giving any thought to anything. Funny how those thoughts all eventually catch up to punch you right in the gut later. 

Thankfully, they didn’t press the horse issue. The boys started talking about cars. Apparently, racing and tinkering with certain cars was their thing. Over the course of the next hour, Gavin learned more about cars than he had ever wanted to know.  
  


****

### **\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -**

Torin sat down at the table beside his brother and started eating before his butt was even in the seat.

“Salisbury steak…” He spoke around a mouthful, “the best.”

Hirsch piled potatoes on top of the meat and nodded, “yeah, but it isn’t what you think it is.” He thumbed over his shoulder to a window, “ever notice how all the ravens go missing on Salisbury night?”

“Could be dog fer all I care.” Torin shrugged and reached over to steal a bite of his brother’s pudding. 

“Ey, Kiddo…” Aedan took the roll off Torin’s tray and started pulling it apart, “got a question fer ya.” He popped a chunk of roll in his mouth and pointed, “Gavin’s a strange name fer a pikey.”

“That’s not a question.” He wrinkled his nose at him, “and no it isn’t. It’s my Roma name...” He trailed off and lowered his voice as he stared down at his tray and poked at his food. “My ma has a strange sense of humor.”

Their eyes fell on him and he clenched his jaw, suddenly feeling a little self-conscious about mentioning his mother. They continued to stare, expecting him to continue. He couldn’t tell them about his ma, they’d laugh. In the previous unit, Gavin had let slip some things about his mother telling fortunes and he had been teased for it. Someone had called her a witch and Gav ended up in trouble for nearly killing that man. He didn’t want to have to beat the shit out of these boys… He was starting to really like them.

Gavin got a little uncomfortable and shrugged, “it means white hawk of battle.” He eyed the boys to gauge their reactions. 

Hirsch smiled, “that’s cool. Dunno what my name means. My last name just translates to ‘deer’ so nothing exciting there.” 

Torin chuckled and pointed his spoon at Gav, “so pretty much born ta be a soldier and yer ma knew it.”

“Something like that, yeah.” Gavin nodded and couldn’t help letting out a quiet snort of amusement; _That was exactly it._

Aedan took a bite and shook his head, “my name don’t mean shite.”

His brother grinned, “pretty sure it means ‘dumbass Irish kid’...”

“Dumbass Irish _man,_ thank ya very much.” Aedan cocked his chin, “yers is the one that means dumbass Irish _kid._ I’m the older brother.”

Gav eyed the two for a moment. “Older little brother, huh?” Aedan’s short stature was always the butt of jokes, more so when in comparison to his gangly brother’s ridiculous height.

Aedan nodded, “right. But if anyone asks, we’re both eighteen.”

Gavin grinned, “yeah, me too.” 

“I’m twenty. But for real.” Sebastian shrugged.

“Alright, grampa,” Torin rolled his eyes in an exaggerated manner, “calm yer saggy balls down afore we ship ya off to a retirement home.”

Sebastian pointed a finger at him, “you young little whippersnappers don’t know shit… Back in my day we didn’t have all these new fangled, whatchacallit--”

“Indoor plumbing.” Gavin smirked. 

“Ats right!” Seb continued in his best old man voice, “fancy ass water shitters. What’s this world comin’ to, eh?”

Gav nodded, “toilets will be the downfall of humanity.”  
  


**\- - - - - - - - - -**

The four of them were leaving the mess when they noticed something new.

And, as always, something new and shiny instantly piqued interests.

“The hell is that?” Torin hit his brother on the arm to get his attention and pointed at the strange cargo being unloaded from the back of a covered truck. 

A large group of soldiers gathered around the truck as a ramp was pulled out and Lieutenant Morgan stepped in front, sweeping his hand out to the thing.

“Gentlemen, meet the game changer.” A huge smile of pride split his face as a giant metal man stomped down over the ramp to stand in front of the mass of awestruck soldiers. He allowed the men to talk and point for a moment before holding a hand up to hush the crowd. 

“The West Tek T-45d power armor suit,” he continued, “will change everything about how ground wars are fought.” Two more suited up men stepped out of the back of the truck to stand beside the first. “These will be the first three of many suits that West Tek will be developing for us. We’ll be taking them for a test drive over the next few months.” Morgan grinned up at one of the suits and rapped his knuckles against the metal chest plating. 

Gavin wrinkled his nose at the armor and spoke quietly, “looks like a lovechild between an M3 Halftrack and an insanely bold man with little regard as to the safety of his dick.” 

Torin snorted, “shut yer mouth, they’re beautiful… Like a crate fulla smashed metal arseholes.”

Aedan crossed his arms and continued to stare at the suits. “I don’t give a piss what ya say, those things are hot.”

“Get ya hard?” Torin smirked.

“Not gunna lie,” Aedan nodded, “got a chub just lookin’ at ‘em.”

Morgan allowed the soldiers to crowd around and check out the armor. “You will all be trained to use the suits, though only about a third of you will eventually be outfitted in battle.”

Gavin shook his head, “you aren’t getting me in one of those tin cans.”

Hirsch shrugged, “dunno, they seem like a tactically wise decision.”

“Hell yeah they do!” Aedan dropped his arms and made an exaggerated motion with one hand, “it’s a damn personal tank suit! How are ya not excited about this?! I’d give me left nut ta be a giant tank robot-man.”  
  


****

### **\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -**

A couple weeks later, Gavin’s squad was up for power armor training.

He stared down at himself then glanced over at Hirsch. “I’m looking for a stronger word than _‘uncomfortable’_ to describe this situation.”

Sebastian shrugged as he looked him over, “not so bad.” 

“I feel like I’ve been wrapped in plastic.” Gav pulled at the skin tight under armor jumpsuit molded to his body. 

“Ya look like it, too.” Aedan slapped him hard on the ass with a loud ‘smack’ as he walked past to the power armor.

Torin, who hadn’t had his turn yet and stood in his fatigues, pointed, “ya imagine havin’ a hardon in that thing?” He snickered then turned his attention to his brother, “ey, Danny… How’s yer chub?”

“Raging.” He eagerly climbed into the power armor with no hesitation whatsoever.

They didn’t get to spend too much time actually inside the things, which was just fine by Gavin. They were hot and restricting. Ungainly and slow. He felt like the suits were nothing more than giant slow-moving targets for explosives. They had spent days learning all about the damn things. Morgan did a fine job glorifying the power armor and only touched on a few drawbacks. Gav could think of about a hundred drawbacks off the top of his head but Morgan was always quick to redirect his questions and comments. Never call someone’s baby girl ugly. 

The O’Malley boys had a blast. In fact, the first thing Aedan did was underestimate the strength of the suit and smash a large crate… Containing hundreds of dollars worth of supplies. 

The only thing that kept him out of KP duty for the rest of his life was the fact that General Chase happened to be observing the training that day. 

And General Chase was crazy. 

He laughed loudly at the scene, “there’s what I’m talking about! Those Commie bastards won’t know what hit ‘em!” 

Aedan removed his helmet and laughed right along with him, once he realized he wasn’t about to be taken out back and shot for what he’d done. 

“I like your style.” Chase cuffed a hand roughly on the back of the armor then pointed at the rest of the unit, “you boys could learn a thing or two from this kid.”

A soldier crossed his arms and motioned to the destroyed crate with his head, “like how to take out our own supplies. Brilliant.”  
  


****

###  \- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

****

The Red Army had slipped around the mountains one night and made an attempt to attack the forward base. _Attempt_ being the operative word.

Gavin was with a gun battery raining shells over a hill at the enemy who had been brought to a standstill and now tried to hide it out. They had been firing howitzers at the hill for hours in the cold dark Alaska night and the sun would finally be cresting the horizon soon. 

Every so often, a volley of bullets would zip through their ranks when the Reds got bold and charged. The soldiers standing out in the wrong place would take a hit and chaos would fill a unit for a few minutes. 

Gav was bold. Most just called him stupid or crazy. Whenever someone was needed to return fire, he was the first to run out there. He wasn’t happy with lugging shells to the gun battery, he wanted to be right up front. He was not going to die out here. Not on this hill, not during this war. 

But that didn’t mean his friends wouldn’t be killed. 

Hirsch was spotting for Sergeant Iverson on the hill and Gav found himself kneeling in the grass next to him at one point. 

“Been quiet for a while…” Sebastian was laying in the grass scanning the opposing hillside through a scope. 

Iverson peered through his rifle scope at the valley separating the hills. “Good. Maybe we blowed ‘em all up.”

Gavin snorted, “you wish.”

Sebastian nodded, “they’re going to have us charge the hill soon.”

Why hadn’t that occurred to Gav sooner? Of course they were going to charge the hill. Clean up. Pursue. He wasn’t sure how he felt about that thought. _Excited? Scared?_ He wasn’t going to die out here. 

“Where are the boys?” Gavin motioned with his rifle.

Hirsch pointed to a battery. “They’re both over there. Aedan is--”

It started with a bullet. 

Gavin didn’t feel it, or see it. There was simply a quiet sound in a momentary break in the bombing. _Zipthunk!_

Everything was surreal for a handful of seconds which felt like minutes until the realization of what was happening caught up with him and then everything sped up double time.

Blood was pouring over the grass. 

It wasn’t Gavin’s blood. 

The bullet tore through the bottom of his vest near the hip and hit the sniper in the face when he had brought his head up for a second. Just a second and he was gone. 

More gunfire from the distance and bullets clanked off metal. Return fire started up and Gavin stood to run out with the others, then dropped to his knees instead. He grabbed Sebastian by the wrist and pulled him down in the grass beside him.

“Help me…” Gav pulled the rifle from under the sniper and laid down next to the limp body for some cover. 

Sebastian knelt down close to Gavin and started spouting off unfamiliar terms and numbers in incremental amounts of degrees.

“I don’t fucking know what you mean, Seb. Simplify.” He adjusted himself with the rifle and searched out who he thought to be Torin running down the hill with a flood of other soldiers. He was ridiculously tall, easier to spot… and Aedan would be nearby. However, Gavin lost track of him in the chaos immediately. 

“Right. To the right.” Hirsch fell into numbers again then worked to find the words he wanted to convey his directions, “just… Like a cunthair up the hill…”

Gav grunted and adjusted himself then spotted a small group of Reds in the sparse trees. 

From such a distance, it had been surprisingly easy to put holes in those men. They weren’t men. Faceless shapes in the breaking dawn. Dropping a deer. _Pop. Pop._ Bodies fell mid-run. They. Them. _Pop._ Four pounds of pressure.  
  


****

###  \- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

****

Gavin sat in a small hole on the hill staring at his hands. Was that dirt or blood? He picked at his triggerfinger nail exposed through a cut tip off his glove then glanced at the sleeve of his fatigues. He pulled the material around to look at his elbow and then started to stare blankly at that. The dark stain there was definitely blood. He’d been laying in it.

He couldn’t quite figure out if he was completely bothered by it, or bothered that he wasn’t more disturbed. Shouldn’t he be upset? Gav tried to pin down thoughts, but there weren’t any. Numb? No. There was one thought nagging at him. After the fighting stopped and the long day turned again to night, it had caught up to him with a vengeance. 

“It wasn’t your fault, Vin.” Sebastian told him once more as he tugged on his arm to get his attention off the blood.

Gav sighed and wrapped his arms around his drawn up knees. “That shot was meant for me.”

“If it was meant for you, it would have taken you.” He drew his own knees up and laid his head over his folded arms, eyes fixed on Gavin’s face.

“I shouldn’t have been sitting there like that. Shouldn’t have been moving around and--”

“It’s not your fault.” Seb repeated softly. “Shit happens.”

Gavin eyed him for a moment then spoke quietly, “that could have been you.”

He shrugged, “coulda been. Wasn’t.” 

He’d gotten that man killed and there was nothing his friend could say to bring his mind from that. It had been his fault and the man who died could have been Sebastian just as easily. A sudden vivid image of the sniper’s bloody ruined face flashed over Seb’s and Gavin turned his eyes away. 

He blinked away the gory image and suddenly noticed the sky for the first time. All the time spent straining his eyes over the ground for enemies and he’d never even thought to look up at the strange sight. Faint green lights danced in a meandering line across the wide open space above. It was eerie, yet captivating. 

“Isn’t that something?” Sebastian whispered.

Gav nodded and stared for a little longer until he realized Seb was looking at him. When he turned his head, Sebastian smiled and looked away.

****

###  \- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

****

General Chase entered the barracks with a clipboard held up in one hand and barked to the soldiers, “need some volunteers!”

The boys all gathered around him with curiosity and he handed the clipboard to the nearest soldier. “I require an escort of roughly thirty men to head into hostile territory. It’ll be a cakewalk. Quick in and out like a teen on prom night.”

He gave no further details, but Gavin pushed through the group and took the clipboard, signing his name without even looking at the mission summary.

Torin eyed him for a moment, “ya even read that?”

“Nope.” Gav shrugged. Even if he could read well, he wouldn’t have read it. Chase had him at ‘hostile territory’. 

“Well if yer goin’ then so am I.” Torin took the clipboard and signed his name without even reading it, as well. He passed it to his brother and smirked at Gavin, “no way I’m gettin’ showed up by yer pikey arse.”

Gav laughed and pat him on the shoulder, “atta boy, way to follow my lead.”

Sebastian signed his name, after actually reading the thing, and gave a quiet snort, “guess I’ll go… You boys need adult supervision, after all.”

Aedan rolled his eyes, “don’t lie, ya just wanna be one of the cool kids.”

It had occurred to Gav, after watching only a handful of people actually read the statement, that Chase was relying on their illiteracy to have them sign up for something they didn’t understand. He suspected that the O’Malley boys couldn’t read at all. He thought about asking Seb what the mission statement had said, but he really didn’t care. Would those other illiterate soldiers care to know what they were signing their lives away for? How many of them had been drafted into this war?

****

###  \- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

****

Aedan had been scowling at the truck behind them in the convoy for the past hour.

Gavin finally motioned to the vehicle, “it’s a truck. You know, a big machine you drive around. They have ‘em in the military, but you’ve probably never…” He smirked. 

Aedan snorted and waved a hand flippantly, “suck a dick.” He glanced sideways at Gav and pointed, “the power armor… Woulda been real nice on that hill.”

“Yeah.” Gavin nodded.

“Why do ya suppose they didn’t bring it out?” 

“Because…” Gav shook his head and quieted down, “can’t let them know we have it yet.”

“That’s bullshite. People died on that fuckin' hill.” Aedan glared at the truck behind them carrying the armor.

Across from them, Johnson scoffed as he tossed a food wrapper over the side of the open topped Halftrack. “Think that’s bullshit? That break in the bombing? They did that to draw ‘em out. Lured ‘em to come shoot at us. Ain’t that just gravy?”

Gavin thought about that for a moment. It made sense, but that didn’t mean it was comforting. 

Aedan wrinkled his nose at the very idea. “How many of us ya suppose they let get shot up like that?”

 _The sniper._ Gav sighed. “We’re expendable. We don’t matter, so long as whatever mission gets done.” 

The convoy stopped and they sat for quite some time before they grew restless and got out to see what was going on up front. 

The escort for the Power Armor was comprised of only three Halftracks, a dummy covered truck and a couple of jeeps. The idea was to not look conspicuous with a big escort, but Gav was of the opinion that a huge escort would be so much better. Sure, they’d look like they were escorting something important, but what the hell were the Commies going to do about it when half an army was behind it? It wasn’t really his place to question orders, but he sure as shit had a lot of questions. 

He eyed the dummy truck as they walked past. Whoever was driving the thing must have really pissed someone off or drew the short straw to get that job. He was just a huge moving target. Gavin would have liked to be further away from that particular vehicle, but their gun truck was nestled neatly between the two targets. Perfect. 

It was Jacobs driving the dummy truck. Gavin wasn’t sure how to feel about that. Sure, the guy was an ass to him on the reg, but nobody deserved to have a target painted on their back. He and his passenger got out of the truck and walked beside Gav quietly. No doubt they didn’t want to be just sitting there in the thing unmoving. 

Hirsch and Torin were already standing there next to Chase as the man spoke to a couple drivers.

Gavin stepped up next to Seb and motioned to the General, “what’s up?”

“He wants us to cross a bridge,” Sebastian sighed.

“Fer fuck’s sake!” Aedan threw his hands up.

Chase heard the outburst and rounded on them. “Is there a problem with the order, boys?”

They closed their mouths and shook their heads, but Gavin couldn’t manage to keep quiet. “Yes, Sir… There is.”

“Well you can tell me what it is on the other side.” The General raised an eyebrow daring him to continue.

And he did. “I don’t think--”

“No, you _don’t_ think.” Chase poked a finger against his shoulder, “that’s not what you’re here for. We’ve crossed this bridge a million times, she’s more used than cheap hooker on sale.” He squared his shoulders, “we’re almost there so pull your panties up and get back in your damn truck.”

Gavin stared at him as the others turned to leave. He opened his mouth to protest further and Seb put a hand on his shoulder to pull him away. 

It was a 50-50 chance for the dummy truck to be taken out. A coin flip, really. Heads decoy, tails payload.

_The coin landed on tails._

****

###  \- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * for some reason i feel the need to point out a thing that might not be taken into account with the racism and racial slurs. i wrote this based off the canon time period around the 1950's... the term _'gyppo'_ (or even the term/word _'gyp'_ ) was a huge insult, but, back then, _'pikey'_ wasn't really a terrible thing to call a Gypsy. so in media today, in real life, pikey isn't so hot to call a Gypsy, but back then it wasn't so bad. it came from the word 'turnpike' and deals with the traveling Gypsies do.


	2. Cakewalk

  
  
  
  
  


****

### \- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

****

  
  
First there was open endless sky. Mountains. The large dried up creek bed below… Then chaos.

Gavin felt the truck fall from under him and he clutched the metal railing around the gun he’d been standing at. A good portion of him had been expecting it to happen. _Expect the worst._ Even so, he hadn’t been fully prepared. 

When he opened his eyes, there was dust everywhere. Little bits of wood and rocks were raining down on him, pelting everything in a hailstorm. His truck had nearly made it across the bridge. _Not quite._

It was at a steep angle, rear end butting up against the payload truck. On top of the truck. Gav blinked away confusion and slid out from the gun railing, falling down to the back of the truck smashed up against the hood and windshield of the other vehicle.

Sound was muffled, but he could hear someone yelling. Someone else groaning. More yelling. 

“Aedan?” Gav hopped off the smashed truck hood then steadied himself as dizziness struck him upside the head. 

“Here… Fucking shite.” Aedan grunted.

Gavin’s heart raced and he was suddenly struck with fear for his friends. Until he saw Aedan stand up from half under the truck and wave him over. 

Torin slid down the side of the ravine with the other soldiers who had been up front and they gathered around Johnson. He had fallen out of the back of the truck with Aedan… But Johnson was pinned under a large section of bridge and truck. Both legs. 

Luckily for him, he was unconscious. 

Sebastian touched Gavin on the shoulder and pointed back to the other gun truck that had fallen in behind the payload. The Halftrack that General Chase had been in. 

“Sergeant down. Chase is out…” He paused, glanced down at Johnson and lowered his voice, “five seriously wounded… Counting…” He motioned to the pinned soldier. 

“You hear that?” Jacobs stood up from beside Johnson and cocked his head. “Or am I just losing it?”

_Pop… Pop pop… Ping!_

Gunfire. 

Of course. 

Gavin pointed, “Hirsch, get on the radio. Jacobs, take those guys and deal with these wounded.” He paused and stared at the payload truck for a moment. “Boys… Break out that armor.”

The O’Malley boys nodded and went for the back of the truck without any hesitation. 

“We can’t.” Corporal Fernandez grabbed Gav by the arm then yelled after them, “Get your asses back here!” 

They slowed to a hesitant stop.

“Fuck we can’t!” Gavin pulled away from the man and glared. More gunfire pinged off the truck remaining on the other side of the road above them and he motioned to it for emphasis, “know what we can’t do? Let those fuckers get our shit!”

They stared at one another for several seconds before Gavin poked a finger against the man’s shoulder angrily, “don’t have time to fucking argue. You wanna do your job, then do it… But for fuck’s sake do it right! I’m not letting anyone else die out here because of red tape bullshit.” He turned and pointed to the truck, “boys! Armor! Go.”

Gavin climbed up the ravine and into the gun truck up on the bridge. He was not going to die out here. Fernandez followed. And then, after some time, Jacobs and another few men ended up in the truck as well. 

One of the suits of Power Armor had been put to use pulling rubble off Johnson, then that soldier joined the O’Malley boys storming the treeline where they were being shot at from. 

It didn’t take long for the suited up soldiers to take out the hostiles. They couldn’t be certain how many of them fled, but they’d killed twelve men with the Power Armor alone. 

The boys were already returning from the treeline by the time the birds arrived.  
  


****

### \- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

****

  
  
They had taken the Power Armor to a large command outpost around the foothills of a small mountain. Up close and real personal. There was another mountain just across from them where Reds hid out in droves and fought skirmishes over ground trying to gain footholds up high. There was a main road that was constantly under fire and fought over fiercely. It ran around both mountains and headed back toward Anchorage.

Americans worked to build outposts on their little mountain while the Commies worked to build their own on the opposing range. Skirmishes often ran back and forth, but got nowhere so far.

The little valley between these ranges was currently the most kinetic point in Alaska.

Gavin sat on the floor leaning against a wall, staring across the room at nothing in particular as he tried to put words to what he was feeling. Shouldn’t he be more excited to be here on the front lines? Shouldn’t he be pleased with the enemies they killed that day? Shouldn’t he…? 

From the word go, all he wanted to do was get up front in the action. Well, here he was. 

Three of their men had been killed. Last he heard, Johnson lost both legs. These were their boys. His brothers in arms. 

Gavin wasn’t going to die out here. But there were worse things than dying. 

Losing his friends. 

Every time he heard ‘man down’ over the radio, his heart would race and he’d think of all the people he knew. Sometimes he knew the names, sometimes he didn’t… But they were someone’s friend. Someone’s son. 

Aedan had been hurt. He fell out of the truck and Gavin later found out that his wrist had been fractured, among other minor wounds. Gavin had been hurt, but he thought nothing of it. Scrapes and bruises. All he could think was that if only Aedan had been in the gunner seat instead of him then maybe he wouldn’t have been injured. Should have traded places in the truck. 

Gavin was pulled out of his thoughts by the door swinging open and the General stepping inside. 

He slowly got to his feet. “Sir.” 

“As you were, Kidd.” Chase pulled his gloves off and tucked them under one arm casually. “Heard what you did out there while I was napping.” The General’s face didn’t show much emotion. His usual boisterous attitude was gone and replaced by a quiet tone and a more serious look. 

Gavin nodded slowly, “yes, Sir.” Chase remained quiet so Gav asked quietly, “how much trouble am I in?”

He snorted and shook his head. Putting a hand on Gavin’s shoulder, Chase led him to a small table, urging him into a seat. 

The General sat across from him, leaning back casually with one arm resting over the back of his chair. 

“These boys out here were drafted. Most of ‘em. You know what that means, Kidd?” 

“They’re young… Maybe don’t want to be here.” Gav furrowed his brow a little, confused as to what the man was getting at and what he wanted him to say.

Chase pointed a finger at him, “inexperienced as a newborn babe.” He chuckled quietly, “hell, some of ‘em still don’t even know how to wipe their own ass.”

Gavin nodded in spite of himself. 

“You know how to wipe your ass, Kidd.” Chase continued. “Being a leader ain’t easy… Not when people depend on you.” He paused for a long moment.

Gav looked down at the table between them and nodded again in understanding. 

“Sometimes you gotta look at the big picture. Sometimes… Circumstances hand you decisions that ain’t easy. On one hand, you can save the lives of your friends, but on the other… You have hundreds if not thousands of people relying on the outcome.” He waited for Gavin to look back up at him. “And you have to make the decision to let a few people die to save the majority.”

“I’d like to find a middle ground.” Gavin clenched his jaw to hold back what was really on his mind about the situation. 

Chase grinned, “wouldn’t that be great?” He leaned forward and folded his arms on the table. “You pissed off?”

Gav opened his mouth then closed it and shook his head, “no.”

“Hell yeah, you are!” He laughed. 

“Yes. I am.” Gavin narrowed his eyes a little, “those people back in the States know nothing about what’s happening to us out here. They read reports and use us as pawns in a game of chess as they casually sit back sipping drinks in a comfortable office…” He trailed off, remembering he was talking to a General. 

Chase slapped his palm on the table and pointed, “atta boy! There’s that fire. That outrage.” He laughed, “fuck those guys, right? They get to throw you in the line of fire then go home and screw their wives while you boys bleed. Ain’t fair, is it?”

Gavin blinked at the man. He was nuts. What was he supposed to say?

“Think you can make a difference out here?” The General cocked his chin.

“Yes.” Gav sat up straight. 

He grinned, “I’d like to see that.” Chase knocked his knuckles on the table and pointed again, “I like your spirit. How’s Corporal Kidd sound to you?”

“Uh…” Gavin blinked, “I don’t…”

Chase laughed, “playin’ hardball, huh? I’m just messin’ with you. _You!_ A _Corporal_ … Hah!”

Gav narrowed his eyes and opened his mouth, but Chase cut him off, “it’ll be _Sergeant_ Kidd.” 

He slowly put his gloves back on, wiggling his fingers in front of his own face, completely ignoring the surprised look on Gavin’s face. 

“Giving you a jump-step promo. Was thinkin’ Corporal, but what good are you gunna do with that bullshit rank, huh?” He shook his head and chuckled. “You wanna lead, then you’ll lead. I expect to ship you off to OCS at some point then you can get on with changing the world as a Lieutenant.”

“Sir…” Gavin stared incredulously, “Sergeant?! Corporals are meant for Officer Candidate School, not--”

“You questioning my orders, boy?” Chase narrowed his eyes a little. “I’m the damn General and I’ll do as I please.” He stood up and pointed down at Gavin, “and I’m ordering you to change the damn world.”

“What--” Gavin quickly stood up after him. The man was completely and utterly insane. Field promotions were, indeed, a thing… But him of all people?! Sergeant?!

“Gimme a ‘yes Sir’.” Chase flashed a toothy grin, “maybe a thank you.”

“Yeah… Yes, Sir.” Gav worked to compose himself. “Thank you, Sir.”

Chase cuffed him hard on the back, “you’re very welcome, Sergeant.”  
  


****

### \- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

****

  
  
Chase had promoted Gavin, and then handed him control over his squad of fourteen men. Patterson’s Suicide Squad was now his and he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t excited about it. Scared? Yes. But excited, more so. These were his boys. He could keep them safer than the last Sergeant.

Only problem was… Gavin had no fucking clue what he was doing. 

There was paperwork involved in being a Sergeant. 

“You can’t read, can you?” Hirsch leaned against the wall in the small office as he watched Gavin scowling at a long form.

“I can read.” He grumbled.

Sebastian crossed his arms and cocked an eyebrow. “How well can you read?”

“Well enough.” Gavin scribbled his name on the paper. He didn’t read it. 

Seb chuckled and shook his head, “you have to read those things. For all you know you coulda just signed away the rights to your first born.”

“They’re all the same stupid shit!” Gav was frustrated, “fucking supply requests and daily reports.” 

Hirsch pushed away from the wall and pulled a chair around the desk next to him. He took a paper from the inbox and carefully set it down between the two of them and placed his hand over it. 

“I can help you… If you want.” He smiled. 

Gavin glanced sideways at him for a long moment then gave a small shrug. 

Hirsch was patient with him as they took their time going over the larger words on the paper. Gavin could read well enough to get by, but he was slow. Being slow made him impatient so he rarely read anything that was longer than a short simple paragraph with small words. 

Sebastian made him read the entire thing twice before signing his name. 

Seb took the paper and set it in the box then slid the first paper he’d signed earlier over to add to the outgoing forms. He paused as he looked the hastily scribbled signature over. 

“This…” Hirsch pulled the second paper from the box and compared it to the more calmly written name. “Gavin…” He regarded him carefully, “is Kidd not your last name?”

Gav sighed pointedly and took both papers from Sebastian’s hands, setting them down in the box. Hirsch continued to look at him silently. He didn’t seem to be criticizing him… Genuinely curious. 

“It is now.” Gavin forced a smile. 

His eyes went to the papers once more then back to Gav’s face. “What’s your last name?”

“Kidd.” Gavin narrowed his eyes a little. He was done with the topic.

His last name, the one he’d chosen for himself when he signed into the military, was not something he wanted to talk about. Ever. 

Gavin wasn’t thinking clearly when he did it and he didn’t have the foresight at the time to realize what would happen. And, of course, he hadn’t read anything he was signing at the time.

He was an illegitimate American. When he put a last name on a government document, it had become his legal name. It only occurred to him months later that his family would be upset. Rightly so. It could be grounds to kick him out…

And being exiled from the family was a fate worse than death.  
  


****

### **\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -**

  
  
He had a few problems at first with the men from his squad that never really liked him to begin with.

“I don’t give a shit if you like me, but you will show me some fucking respect.” Gavin balled his fists and glared at Corporal Fernandez. The man was pissed that Gavin jump-stepped ahead of him. Truth was, though, that Fernandez was one of the young drafted boys Chase had been talking about. When under pressure, the man didn’t lead like he was supposed to and that angered Gav to no end. People looked up to that man for leadership and he couldn’t deliver. 

“I ain’t saluting a snot-nosed gyppo brat. Only reason you got a promo was you got on your knees and sucked it out.” Fernandez glared right back.

Gavin tried really hard not to hit the man. Tried. He moved to deck the guy and Torin shoved between the two of them.

“He got that promo fair and square, fuckface.” 

Aedan stepped up beside his brother and nodded, “did more in fifteen minutes than you’ve ever done in yer miserable life.”

“He broke rules!” Fernandez pointed and then grew a little more bold when two other soldiers agreed with him and stepped closer. 

“He probably saved your ass.” It was Jacobs, surprisingly, who spoke up from the side. “Probably saved us all with that order… And he protected the payload.”

Gav couldn’t suppress his smug grin. In hindsight, that was probably a bad thing to have done.

Fernandez lunged at Gavin and both O’Malley boys took him down before he could even blink.

Torin hit the man twice before he was pulled off. He struggled in the grip, spat to the side and pointed down at the Corporal, “and he’s Roma, ya jackass!” 

Gavin suddenly noticed two other Sergeants and some enlisted men watching him. One Sergeant gave a slow mocking clap which the others picked up. 

“Bravo. Never saw training like that before.” The Sergeant smirked, “we’ll win this war in no time.”  
  


****

### \- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

****

  
  
“What is this?” Hirsch peered into the small crate sitting on a table and pulled out a syringe.

Gavin stared at the crate, “according to the paperwork,” he flashed Seb a smile, “it’s an experimental drug from General Chase R&D called ‘Psycho’. We’re supposed to test it out in the field.”

Jacobs snorted, “That pompous ass seriously named a company after himself like that?” He took the syringe from Sebastian and turned it over in his hands. “What’s it do?”

“Supposed to increase combat effectiveness.” Gav took one of the syringes from the box and stared at it. 

Seb made a face, “how? And what are the side effects?”

Gavin set the thing back in the crate and shrugged, “it didn’t say.”

“I don’t like that idea.” Sebastian crossed his arms and glared at the supply.

“Me either.” Gav closed the crate after Jacobs set the one in his hands back inside.

Lieutenant Greene stepped into the room and caught the tail end of their conversation. “There a problem, boys?” 

Hirsch and Jacobs looked at Gavin quietly.

“Sir.” Gav straightened up, “I’m uncomfortable with this new drug being used on my boys.”

Greene shook his head, “not up to you.” 

“I understand that, but--”

“You will not question the General's orders. You will select a couple of boys from your squad for the test.” Greene’s tone was firm.

“I won’t.” Gavin crossed his arms stubbornly. 

“You will,” the Lieutenant pointed a finger, “or I will choose for you.”

The two of them stared at one another for a few seconds until Gav dropped his arms.

“Fine. I’ll do it. I’ll play lab rat for Chase.” 

Greene shook his head again, “not your place, Sergeant.”

Gavin was starting to get frustrated, “tough shit. Take me or leave me but you will not stick my boys with this stuff.”  
  


****

### \- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

****

  
  
There was one other Sergeant at the officer meeting. Gavin felt very out of place. As usual. Nothing new there. He always felt out of place. In a group of light-skinned Americans, he could blend in visually… But he always felt like people were staring at him and giving him dirty looks. Likewise, in a group of soldiers he could blend right in, but it never felt like he did.

Many of his family members tried their best to blend in whenever they went into town. They’d learned to either hide the way they speak, or not speak at all. Dress to fit in. Don’t cause a scene. 

In Gavin’s mind, if he was always going to feel out of place and constantly judged, then why even try and blend in? Why hide anything about himself? Love him or hate him, he would never pretend to be something he wasn’t to appease others. He was taught never to lie. Be honest in all he does and do everything with his whole heart. This caused a lot of struggle in his life. He wanted friends. He wanted to fit in and be accepted, but his heart told him to be genuine. Be himself. 

Biting his tongue when he had something to say was one of the most difficult things for him to do. The way he grew up taught him to do things that the military was very against. 

Speaking his mind being one of them.

“Sir…” Gavin spoke up from the back, “we should use the power armor to push a firebase on the ridge instead of banging our heads against the wall with these little outposts here and there and losing so many men.” The ridge across from the COP had always been a goal of theirs, but getting there was nearly impossible.

Chase raised an eyebrow at him from across the table in the center of the room. “We can push an outpost on the ridge. We’ll do it without the armor. Ain’t got the green light to go yet on the PA.”

Gav stepped forward a little and spread his hands, “Who’s in charge of this light switch? I thought you were the General?”

“Watch it, Kidd.” Chase narrowed his eyes a little. 

“Sir…” Gav took a breath to even his tone, “they already know we have the things.”

“No thanks to you.” Sergeant Baker glared sideways at him.

“Yeah, you’re damn welcome.” Gav glared then worked to compose himself again. “They know we have them, we can still surprise the hell out of those Reds… Before they start figuring out how to maybe counter against giant metal men.”

Lieutenant Greene nodded, “better than sitting here on the things while they rust. We’re supposed to test them out, well let’s test them.”

Chase thought about it for a while then gave a curt nod. “Alright, boys. Let’s do it.” He pointed a finger at Gavin, “we can give Psycho a field run, as well.”

Gav sighed, “Sir… Maybe test one thing at a time…”

The General grinned, “we’re going to do this, then we’re going balls to the walls. We need that ridge and we have one clear shot at it.” He cocked his head and a look of amusement filled his eyes, “heard you volunteered for the test, Kidd. Outstanding.” Chase leaned back in the chair and interlaced his fingers behind his head. “This’ll be a cakewalk.”

Gavin tensed up… He’d heard that before. He was starting to think that by ‘cakewalk’ Chase really meant ‘shitshow’.  
  


****

### \- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

****

  
  



	3. Side Effects

  
  
  
  
  


****

### \- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

****

It was civil twilight on a relatively warm late October day when twenty-two men charged the ridge across from the COP and changed the course of the Anchorage Reclamation battle and thus, the entire outcome of the war to follow.

A light dusting of snow started to fall as the boys made their way through the trees at the foot of the mountain. This was where they met fierce opposition from Reds hiding throughout the woodland. 

Tree branches exploded and splintered all around as grazing fire forced the soldiers to take cover. They had to figure out where the fire was coming from before the three suited up boys could take them out and it seemed like the bullets were coming from everywhere all at once. 

They’d catch a red-orange muzzle flash every so often as the sky continued to darken and a soldier in power armor would go after the gunman. It was tricky. The Reds were taken off guard at first, but adjusted fast and figured out they needed to fire and move. Go hide elsewhere. Run around trees. Get up high behind cover then outrun the slower, less agile armor. They still got caught in the end. The unsuited soldiers made sure of it.

And here were only a few of the drawbacks with the armor that Gavin had been thinking of. This hadn’t even included the low power life of the cores the things ran on. 

Hirsch was peering over the top of a rock as Gavin squatted with his back to it.

“Grouped up directly south. Six, maybe seven of them…” Seb ducked down as a few bullets tore through branches above his head. “They keep fucking moving around. Where’s Danny?”

Gavin reloaded his rifle and cocked his chin, “sent North.” He yelled down the hill to another few men behind a thick growth of trees, “Get a suit over here!” 

Someone yelled back, “Hostiles spotted East. PA-3 is on it.”

Gav hit the back of his helmet against the rock in frustration. “You gotta be kidding me!”

Sebastian closed his eyes tightly for a moment. “Surrounded.”

During a very brief break in opposition, the boys returned fire, mostly just blind indirect grazing fire in directions they thought Reds hid. As they did, General Chase and two other men, Jacobs and Fernandez, ran up the hill to sit behind Gavin’s rock. 

“Here’s what’s gunna happen, kids, listen up…” Chase pulled two syringes of Psycho from his pack, “Armor’s gunna run outta go-juice if we just keep sitting around playing count the bullets. We’re about to grab our asses and go all out.”

Gavin eyed the syringes. “I agree, but not--”

“Good!” The General handed him one and then gave the other to Hirsch. “On my mark.”

“No.” Gav narrowed his eyes. He wasn’t going to allow Sebastian to use that crap. Not him. He took the thing from Seb’s hand and forced it back at the General.

Fernandez reached for the Psycho in Chase’s hand, “I’ll do it.”

“No!” Gav repeated. He may not like Fernandez, but he was responsible for him. That was one of his boys, no matter how much they fought and disliked one another. 

Chase narrowed his eyes and took the syringe from Gav. He uncapped it and yelled over his shoulder, “Execute!”

Then he jabbed Gav in the thigh. 

The drug hit hard and fast, boiling his blood white-hot through his veins... But there was one instant, a tiny moment where sanity still hung. Fleeting. 

_Chase stabbed Sebastian with the other syringe._  
  


**\- - - - - - - - - -**

_“Fucking kill you!”_ Gavin yelled as he turned around and hit someone with his empty rifle. Someone who had been trying to restrain him. Everything was a blur of confusion around him. People were grabbing for him and he kept fighting. Fight them all.

 _Find Chase._

Gav elbowed someone in the face then ran through the trees. 

_Chase._

He lunged at the man but got caught by three soldiers and immediately started struggling on the ground. 

“Stand down!” 

_They tried to pin him..._

Somehow Gav was on his feet again throwing punches at a soldier. A heavy hand grabbed his forearm and Gavin rounded on whoever it was. 

_Snap!_

He didn’t even feel it. 

“Gav! Stop!” 

Gavin punched the metal armor then paused. In that moment, exhaustion caught up and hit him right upside the head.

His struggles died down and the world started making more sense. His arm was in the tight metal grip of an armored soldier. 

_Torin._

He was hot. So hot. Panting. There were people around him. _Blink._ He looked around in confusion. Struggled a little more. _Blink blink._

“Holy hell!” 

Someone was talking. People were talking. Chase… Was talking. 

“Drug had to have worn off a good twenty minutes ago! You all there, Kidd?” Chase spoke from behind and to the side of the power armor. 

Gavin was still confused. Cold started to hit him. He glanced down at himself. He’d removed his vest. His coat. Helmet. He was covered in sticky wet blood. Where were his gloves?

He looked at his bloody hand. Looked at his arm still in Torin’s tight metal fist. 

A slow nod. “I’m--” He coughed. His throat hurt... 

Tor let him go and a sudden pain shot up his arm. Gavin immediately cradled it and fell to his knees.  
  


**\- - - - - - - - - -**

They’d given him his gear and wrapped him in a blanket then brought him quickly back up the hill where the boys were working to set up the base just above the treeline.

Gavin felt a flood of relief when he spotted Seb with the others digging a trench behind piles of rocks and trees brought up by the armored men. 

“Are you okay?” Gavin rasped quietly.

“Vin!” Seb spun around, dropped his shovel and hugged him tight. “I’m… Okay. I’m good. Are you okay?”

He flinched away from the embrace and took his hand from the field splint over his forearm. Gav stared at it for a moment then looked up through his lashes and grinned faintly. “I’m good.”

He ignored the questions about his arm and why he’d refused a stimpak. Gavin was adamant that other soldiers use them before he did. He’d hurt some of his own boys. He hurt them and, what’s worse, he remembered none of it. Or, perhaps, that was for the better. Gavin was already upset about it, he didn’t need to add vivid imagery of injuring his boys onto the steaming shit pile of nightmares he was already suffering every time he tried to sleep.

After the third defense of their work in progress, Chase started yelling out angrily into the night at the Reds. He turned to the working men and gathered them around.

“Boys... “ He spread his hands, “this here ain’t easy. We lost some good guys. Ain’t gunna sugar coat the shit, we’ll lose more before this war is over. I want you to mourn… Mourn and then get back to work.” He paused, looking them over each in turn, “Get back to work and do your jobs killing those Commie bastards. Kill them and make them hurt. Make them feel like we do right now.” He pointed at the ground angrily. “Embrace the pain and sorrow you feel and turn that shit around tenfold.”  
  


****

### **\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -**

They had started out by blowing a large hole in the side of the ridge, then dug trenches and holes all night in between bouts of hostile fire. The power armor had to be put up; Cores spent. The remaining soldiers would dig for an hour or so, then get into small firefights for about twenty minutes. They’d managed to dig in pretty deep by the time the afternoon rolled around. Two air supply drops were made and their bastardized firebase outpost came to life.

Gavin tried to avoid Chase. The man had continued to tell him that an officer is priority for spaks when injured and Gav got angry with him all over again. 

They’d lost five men in that fight. Four more had been critically wounded and taken away when it was finally possible to get a bird in. Gavin was adamant that those seriously wounded men get the stimpaks before anyone else and he nearly came to blows with Chase over it when the General took one for himself. Chase’s wounds weren’t bad. 

This became a constant point of contention between Chase and Gavin.

Among other things.

“Damn fine work, boys! Damn fine!” The General stood in the middle of their outpost with his hands on his hips, grinning ear to ear. 

Most of the soldiers were exhausted and sitting, but they weren’t too tired to let out some cheers. What they’d accomplished overnight had been nothing short of amazing.

Gavin was handing out water to the exhausted boys leaning against the walls. He’d constantly been checking up on them through the night and morning. Giving them food and water, looking over wounds, comforting a couple of them when they broke down and cried for a few minutes during the ordeal. 

Gav handed Chase a water and the man cuffed him on the back. “Mission success, hey Kiddo?”

Gav narrowed his eyes a little, “don’t call me that.” He’d be civil, but Gavin was still pretty pissed off at that man. 

Chase put his hands up in a mocking manner, “excuse the hell outta me!” He laughed, “don’t wanna piss off our resident psychotic killer.” He patted Gav gently on the cheek with his fingertips.

Gavin smacked his hand away and turned to give Gentry a water. 

“Kidd,” the General touched him on the shoulder, “you won’t be held accountable for anything that occurred while you were under the influence of the drug.”

Gav turned slowly and stared. The man said it as though that were the entire problem. 

Gentry motioned with the water in his hand, “ _You_ should be held accountable for everything that happened, Sir. Everything Kidd did while he was doped up is on you.”

Private Gentry had been one of the men Gavin had hurt, but he didn’t seem to blame Gav for any of it.

Chase laughed and shook his head, “I think not.”

A helicopter came into view and landed on the hill above them, two men hopping out to come over for Chase. _Good fucking riddance._

“There’s my ride, boys.” The General hiked his pack up over one shoulder, looked around then puffed his chest out, “damn fine work. You kids guard Outpost Constantine with your lives. This is a momentous occasion you are all a part of right here.”

Torin scrambled to his feet and took a step forward, “Outpost _Constantine?!_ Fuckin’ serious?!”

A couple other men got to their feet and moved closer, clearly unhappy with the General’s idea of naming the place after himself, as he did with everything. Word was, the General had even named the forward camp battle on the hill from months prior _‘The Battle of Chase Hill’._

He eyed the men and squared up to them, “Absofuckingloutly! Was my idea, after all.”

Gavin crossed his arms and glared openly. 

Jacobs got to his feet, “you didn’t actually _do_ anything aside from nearly killing a guy with your shit… And Kidd--” He motioned to Gavin then dropped his hand and lowered his eyes.

Aedan stepped up next to his brother and crossed his arms tightly. “We ain’t callin’ it that.”

The two men from the bird approached and stood quietly behind Chase, watching the tense moment.

The General’s sigh was nearly a huff, “got a better fuckin’ name?”

They were all quiet, looking around at one another, their feet, and the walls of the outpost. 

“That’s what I thought.” Chase flashed a grin and turned to his escort.

Sebastian spoke up quietly from the back, “White Hawk.”

The General paused and turned his head. “What was that?”

The O’Malley boys spoke loudly in unison, “White Hawk.” They grinned to one another, then to Gavin. 

Gav blinked at them for a moment then gave a small nod. He wasn’t sure how he felt about that at the moment, but any name would be better than Constantine. They had to stay in the outpost for the next few months and he’d be damned if he was going to be happy defending a place named after that man. Names were important for morale. 

Chase stared at them, readjusted his pack, then left without another word. 

One of the men escorting Chase was smiling at Gavin from the other side of the outpost. First Lieutenant something. The man winked and pointed a finger at him and Gavin suddenly recognized him. The Sergeant from his first unit in Canada. He’d been promoted and was now out in Alaska. How long had he been out there? Had he always been around? 

Gavin thought about him from time to time and had been wanting to see him again. There he was! 

He stepped forward to catch the man before he left. He wanted to figure out what the hell his name was, now that Gav was more keen on remembering names. He wanted to know and remember everyone’s name. Nobody should die in obscurity.

Sebastian touched Gav’s shoulder and smiled from behind. “Can’t think of a better name for something meant to protect and defend.” 

Gavin blinked at him for a moment then glanced down and very nearly blushed.  
  


****

### **\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -**

One of the supply drops had left a jug of hooch. A gift from the General. It had probably not been a wise decision to break it open on the first night in the outpost, but the boys all felt like they needed a drink or two. Gavin felt like he needed about a pint.

He made sure everyone got a little, then sealed it back up and put it away… Then went back and took two more swigs of the stuff. He was in a bad way that first night. 

Sebastian found him in the little covered area they’d set up for sleeping. Gav was sitting on a bedroll with his head on his drawn up knees, trying to process the events and remember anything he could. 

“Hey, Vin…” Hirsch carefully sat down beside him and waited for a reply. 

After a few minutes, Gav looked up, forced a smile, then rested his chin on his folded arms over his knees. “Hey, Seb.” He furrowed his brow at the wall across from him. “What happened?”

Sebastian crossed his legs and glanced down at his hands in his lap for a minute to gather his thoughts. “Well… We discovered some of the side effects from the Psycho.” He paused, took a breath, then lowered his voice, “seven men took the drug. Of those seven, four did just as intended without a hitch, as Chase put it.” Another pause. “Two men had heart attacks right out the gate… One man…” He trailed off and eyed Gavin carefully. 

“Me…” Gav sighed and leaned back against the wall.

Seb nodded. “Turns out, Psycho doesn’t agree with those who have… An aggressive personality.”

Gav closed his eyes and the world spun. Trying to gather thoughts was a little difficult. Good, perhaps one more drink would scatter them completely. None of his thoughts at that point were happy ones.

“Who had the… Heart problems?”

“Ferris.” 

“And?”

Sebastian didn’t reply. 

Gavin’s eyes snapped open and he turned to look at him. There must have been an angry fire in his eyes he was unaware of, because Seb put a hand on his arm to calm him down.

“It’s alright… I’m okay”

“It’s not alright!” Gav dropped his knees and sat up straight, “you could’ve fucking died!” His chest felt tight and a lump formed in his throat. “You… Could’ve died, Seb…” He repeated quietly as he struggled to calm himself.

“Could have. Didn’t.” He smiled faintly. 

“Not helpful.” Gavin scowled at him, drew his knees up and went back to brooding.

“None of it is your fault.” Seb leaned forward a little to try and look him in the eyes. “I know you’re blaming yourself for the things you did, but it wasn’t your fault and nobody is holding anything against you.”

“What did I do?” Gav asked quietly as he narrowed his eyes at the wall ahead.

Silence.

Gavin glanced sideways at him. He was staring down at his hands again.

“Sebastian. Answer me.” 

He took a deep breath and nodded to himself. “I didn’t catch the beginning… But I guess the first thing you did was attack Chase.” He paused for a moment and pulled his gloves off as he thought about what to say. “Jacobs and Fernandez tried to pull you off.” He shrugged, “everything went better, I guess, after you started getting shot at… You turned your attention. Jacobs and Chase helped me.”

“That it?” Gav looked him up and down skeptically. “What’d Fernandez do?”

Seb turned his head and looked away.

He touched Seb’s arm, curling his fingers as tightly as his injured forearm would allow. “What’d he do? Answer me.”

Sebastian put a hand on Gavin’s and looked him in the eyes. “You killed him.”

And with that final straw on his back, Gavin lost it. 

As Gavin broke down and cried, Sebastian pulled him against his chest and held him tight, repeating softly against his head that it wasn’t his fault.  
  


****

### \- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

****


	4. White Hawk

  
  
  
  
  


****

###  \- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

****

Torin handed Gav an ammo box to add to the shelf and paused as he took it. “Hey… Sorry ‘bout yer arm.”

Gavin held out his left arm and rotated his hand around a little. He hid the pain behind a smile, “I’m good. Was my fault, anyway.” 

O’Malley snorted and handed over another box from the supply crate. “We should wrestle after ya heal up.”

“You in a suit?” Gav looked him up and down with a smirk.

“Naw…” Tor cocked his chin, “don’t need a suit ta kick yer arse.” He smirked.

Gavin held his arm up again, rotated his wrist a little, then flipped him off. 

“Don’t be all butt hurt ya got yer arse handed to ya by a fourteen year old,” Tor laughed.

Gav paused and stared at him. He slowly pushed another ammo box onto the shelf. “First of all…” He looked Torin up and down, “you were wearing power armor. Second…” Gavin glanced around then lowered his voice, “you’re _fourteen?!”_ The kid didn’t look fourteen. This whole time, Gavin had been guessing maybe sixteen at the very least.

Torin lowered his eyes for a moment with an uncharacteristic pensive look on his face. He suddenly gave his little lopsided grin and shook his head, “I’m eighteen… Just like you.” 

Gavin blinked at him, “what the fuck are you doing out here, Tor?”

He hesitated. “Was bored. Figured it’d be fun.” 

Gav narrowed his eyes skeptically.

“Danny…” Torin glanced over his shoulder for a moment, “he got drafted.”

“You followed to be with him…” 

Torin nodded, “Someone has ta keep his arse outta trouble.” He paused, “ya got any brothers or sisters?”

Gavin’s hand went to his scar for a moment and he turned away, adjusting the ammo boxes as a distraction. 

“Aw… Fuck, Gav. I’m sorry…” Torin touched him on the shoulder and smiled, “ya got twelve brothers right here.”  
  


****

###  \- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

****

Gentry sat down with the group huddled around the burn barrel and set a guitar on his lap. He strummed at it a few times then plucked out a rhythm to some song he started to quietly sing.

Gav smiled to himself and closed his eyes. If he tried really hard, he could almost imagine being back with his family. Old family. These boys were, indeed, his new family. He really missed his parents and everyone. Missed his horse. Dogs. His old life.

This was his life now. 

Jacobs stabbed at the fire barrel with a metal rod for a moment then huddled down in the group. He motioned to the guitar and raised an eyebrow at Gavin, “you know how to play a guitar?”

Gav opened his eyes and shrugged. 

Gentry handed it over and Gavin blinked at it for a moment. He shrugged again and tuned the thing. He’d been itching to tune it for days. 

Torin grinned, “so ya _can_ play. I knew it.”

Gav smirked at him, “because I’m a pikey, right?”

He laughed, “ya probably popped outta yer ma with a guitar.”

“That’s stupid.” Gavin feigned indignation for a moment then cocked his chin, “it was a violin.”

Ferris raised his eyebrows, “wow… That had to have been rough.”

“Play us a pikey tune.” Torin got more comfortable against the wall. As comfortable as one could get on a blanket over hard rocky ground, anyway.

Gavin paused. “A pikey tune, huh?” He shook his head, “Rom music is…” He tried to think of how to put it, “our music is like… From everywhere. Sort of.” He couldn’t explain so he started playing one of the songs he knew. It was a little sad, but that’s what he was feeling at the moment. 

Seb nestled next to him and glanced sideways, “does that song have words?”

Gav nodded.

Torin crossed his legs and set his elbows on his thighs, leaning forward with interest, “Don’t know how ta sing? I’ll sing.”

His brother scoffed, “please don’t… Commies will charge the hill just ta make the caterwaulin’ stop.”

Gavin stopped playing and stared down at the guitar for a moment. “I don’t know how it goes in English.”

Seb smiled, “that’s cool. I’d love to hear it. Like it. I’d like to hear it... It’d be cool.” He glanced down at his hands and fidgeted for a moment.

Gav smiled as he watched Sebastian stammer and fidget. He shrugged and played the song again and sang quietly. He thought they might make fun of him, but they didn’t. He was starting to get really comfortable with this group of boys. They liked him and seemed to accept him. Even Franklin Jacobs, who he had problems with at the start. Gav recalled a time in the beginning when Frankie started a fight by calling him a child stealing gyppo bastard. Gav didn’t hold it against him. Not anymore. He had started out angry at everyone and constantly on guard, but now… he felt like he belonged. Right here, right now… With his boys. 

Ferris cocked his head when Gav finished. “That Romani?”

Gavin shook his head, “it’s Russian.” 

Seb raised his eyebrows, “you know Russian?”

“Just some songs. So a little, I guess.” Gav shrugged. “My grandparents lived in Russia when my ma was young and grampa taught me to play the guitar.”

“What’s that song about?” Gentry got up to stir the fire a little.

Gav smiled faintly, “it’s about young boys going to war and dying.” He watched the fire glow brighter in the burn barrel and handed the guitar back to Gentry. 

Sebastian was staring at him from the corner of his eye. He nodded to himself and spoke quietly, “it’s a beautiful song.”

Over the course of the next few weeks, the boys insisted that Gavin teach them all how to sing it and it had become ‘their song’. It made Gav proud and happy to be able to share music that he knew with his men. 

It made Hell feel more like home.  
  


****

###  \- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

****

“You got a girl back home?” Sebastian asked as he sat down on the ground next to Gav.

He adjusted the blanket around himself to share with Seb. “No… There was a girl, but…” Gavin chewed his lip for a moment then snorted quietly, “we were supposed to get married.”

Peterson leaned his chair back on two legs, propping his feet against the wall next to them. “Supposed to?”

Gav stared at the ground in front of him and nodded. He was suddenly feeling a little self-conscious all over again. Arranged marriages were something Americans just didn’t understand, no matter how much sense they made. He wondered how angry his grandparents were with him since he ran away and just how forgiving they’d be when, or even if, he decided to go back home.

Gavin forced a smile and diverted attention, “you?” 

Sebastian stretched his legs out and stared at his boots. “Naw. Not for lack of trying on my ma’s part to get about a hundred grandkids outta me, I’m not…” He trailed off and made a face. He knocked the toes of his boots together then shrugged, “nope. Got no one.” 

“I got a girl.” Aedan smiled faintly.

Torin snorted, “Ya got a girl... _pregnant._ ”

“Don’t be jealous, one day you’ll have sex.” Aedan pat his brother on the knee. He shrugged, “we’re gunna get married when I get outta here… Maybe on a furlough.” Another shrug. 

Peterson shook his head and snorted as he unwrapped rations, “this shit’s just getting started, there ain’t no furloughs for us. Not for a long time.”

“Especially us.” Seb motioned with a hand, “we won’t be leaving the outpost for a while.”

Gav nodded. After a while he suddenly chuckled, “I can’t figure out if Chase likes me or hates me.”

“Unfortunately for you,” Peterson smirked, “I think he likes ya.”

Sebastian spoke under his breath, “he’s jealous of you.” 

“Jealous?” Gavin cocked his head, “why would anyone be jealous of _me?”_

Seb’s eyes went pointedly to the wall of their barracks next to them where a large white hawk had been painted by the O’Malley brothers. 

“I didn’t tell them to do that.” Gav snorted and eyed the boys who were grinning triumphantly.

“Exactly.” Sebastian huddled down in the blanket. “If Chase wants his name on something, he has to order someone to put it there. People follow you willingly.”  
  


****

###  \- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

****

Gavin tapped Seb on the shoulder and smiled brightly, “hey…”

Sebastian grinned a deep-dimpled smile and glanced down for a second. “Hey, Vin. What’s up?”

“Can you teach me to use this?” He held up a Mauser range rifle that had been one of the latest gifts in a supply drop, as requested specifically by Gav.

Seb stared at it then slowly reached out and touched it. “Well, yeah. But, from what I saw, you already know how to use a sniper rifle.”

“Because it’s a rifle…” Gav set the butt of it on his boot, “but teach me the fine points. And your strange language.” He smirked. 

“Fair enough.” Seb chuckled. “You get any spotting equipment with that?”

“What?” Gavin cocked his head in mock confusion, “I don’t understand what you’re saying.”

“Funny.” 

“You’re going to have to speak English, Seb.”

“Get your ass in the gun room.” Sebastian pointed.

“I think I understood that one…” Gav flashed a grin then laughed when Seb put a hand on his shoulder to push him forward.  
  


**\- - - - - - - - - -**

They’d moved the gatling gun over and were laying side by side in the small opening facing out across the valley.

“I was actually still in the process of learning…” Sebastian watched Gavin adjusting the scope of the rifle as he had instructed. “Privates don’t generally get to be snipers, they’re only just starting to make a real school in America for it the past few years.” He smiled, “Sergeants can be, though.” 

Gav peered through the scope, “if someone is good at something, they should do it, no matter what their rank or position is.” 

“You’d be good.” Seb nodded then stammered a little, “sniper... You’re a good shot, I mean. You’d make a great sniper.” He fidgeted with the spotter scope for a moment. 

Gavin watched him out of the corner of his eye and grinned. It was cute when Sebastian got flustered. The man was smart, educated, and well spoken, so whenever he tripped over his own words every so often, Gav couldn’t help but smile. 

He absently scribbled on his notebook with a pencil and took a breath to gather his thoughts. “Lots of things affect your shot, not just wind. Humidity, heat…” He paused and blinked at Gavin, who was still grinning at him. “You paying attention?”

“Mm-hm.” Gav made himself more comfortable, “wetness and heat effect things.” He smiled as Seb blushed lightly and ducked his head between his hands. Gavin found a strange little victory in that blush. This would have to become a new game for later.

Or a new game for now.

“Am I making it hard for you?” Gavin raised an eyebrow. 

“Vin…” The blush deepened. 

“What?” He feigned innocence. 

“You know what.” Seb chewed his lip for a moment then turned back to his paper.

Gavin smirked and toyed with the scope on his rifle. “Okay, tell me more about the--”

“Heat and humidity.” Seb corrected him before he could say what he was planning to say. 

After a while of teaching Gavin more math than he’d ever learned in his entire life, Sebastian paused in writing and spoke quietly, “the girl you’re supposed to marry…”

“Yeah?” Gav raised his head a little but continued to stare out over the trees below. 

“Do you… Love her?”

Gavin shrugged and put his eye back to the scope. “She’s okay.” Again, he was reluctant to try and explain arranged marriages to an American. 

Sebastian was regarding him silently. Gav could nearly hear the million questions circling the man’s head.

He turned to Seb and nodded, “she’s cute. Smart. Nice smile…” He’d meant to lie and say that he did love the girl, but he didn’t love her… And he couldn’t lie to save his life. Gav sighed, “marrying her unites two families. My grandparents are… Kinda big on that whole tradition. My father isn’t really one way or the other but it makes sense so…” He shrugged. 

“You ever…” He hesitated, “date?”

Gavin looked him up and down for a moment and snorted quietly, “are you trying to ask me if I’m a virgin?”

Seb smiled nervously then nodded, “yeah. That’s it.”

He grinned and shrugged again. “No.”

Sebastian hesitated. “So… You’ve been with… girls?”

Gav turned back to his rifle. “Yeah… Have you?”

“No.” Seb was still looking at Gavin’s face. “I’ve never been with a girl.” 

They were quiet for a few seconds then Sebastian lowered his voice to a near whisper, “have you ever--”

Gentry crawled up behind the two of them. “Hey kids. Here to relieve… You both, I guess.” He eyed them for a moment. “What are you doing?”

Gavin rolled away from Seb and sat up with his rifle, “Seb’s teaching me to pop Reds at a thousand yards.” He grinned triumphantly and held the rifle up a little.  
  


****

###  \- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

****

Gavin was lying on his stomach next to the gatling gun staring out over the treeline. He could see the COP far off in the distance. Right there across from them, but it may as well have been a million miles away. If White Hawk needed help, anything sent would come too late. The few men at the outpost were fired on daily. Every day they’d get poked at once, twice, sometimes three times. As the Alaskan seasons changed and daylight hours started to dwindle, the constant fear of night time attacks grew worse.

His thoughts were broken by Torin’s voice on the radio, “Ey, Kiddo… Ya busy?”

He snorted and pulled the radio close. “Extremely.”

“Put yer dick away, got a question fer ya.”

Gav smiled, “shoot.”

“Some cannibals caught a pikey and were cookin’ him up in a pot ta make a stew. One cannibal took the pikey out and the other tells him ta put him back in, he ain’t done yet. Cannibal says ‘but he keeps eatin’ all the potatoes!’” 

Gavin heard both brothers snickering.

“Better question. How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?” He smirked at the radio. “None.”

They laughed loudly and Gav heard Gentry speak up, “strike a point for Kidd.”

“That was worth at least two points.” Gavin snorted.

Aedan was still laughing, “whatever… Me boy’s far ahead.”

Racial jokes had become a passtime for them, which had turned into a competitive game. When soldiers got bored, which was ninety percent of the time, any and everything turned into a competetition ranging from wrestling for who didn't have to be put on outhouse burn barrel detail down to who could eat the fastest without using their hands. Gavin had recently become greatly amused at some of the things that used to piss him off over a year ago.

“Speakin’ of potatoes and stew,” Ferris spoke, “you boys see our Thanksgiving drop?”

“Dehydrated potatoes and beef flavored water?” Gav smirked at the radio.

Ferris snorted loudly, “You only wish…”  
  


**\- - - - - - - - - -**

It wasn’t so bad. There were, indeed, some potatoes. It was mostly a hodgepodge of things they normally ate back at the forward Anchorage camp but included more sweets.

“Let’s see… We have…” Gavin pulled a box of chocolate Sugar Bombs from the crate, “turkey...” He handed it to Seb and picked up a box of Fancy Lads, “buttered green peas and carrots…” He laughed at a can of cranberries then dug out a box of sweetrolls. “Ohh… Chestnut stuffing!” They laughed as he handed it over. 

They unloaded the crate and sorted out the food on a table. 

Sebastian took a sweetroll Gavin handed him and tore it into little bites. “How do you celebrate Thanksgiving?”

Gav paused for a moment and stared down at the box. Thanksgiving was a pretty big deal for his family.

“Well…” He thought about it, “it’s a big social gathering… Lotta vegetables and bread. Venison, wild fowl, rabbit.” He smiled, “so much rabbit. But mostly my family celebrates things the same as Americans. Rom mostly take on whatever celebrations and religions from the country they live in so Thanksgiving, for me, is just Thanksgiving… Just that food and family are more important.” Gavin shrugged and handed a roll to Ferris, “my family gives a lot of food to people who don’t have any.” His father had always taught him to give to those less fortunate. Food gifts meant a lot to him, personally.

Aedan nodded, “explains a lot.”

“What?” Gav furrowed his brow.

He laughed and shook his head, “nuthin.”

Seb popped a bit of roll in his mouth, “can tell a lot about a person by what he does with his last loaf of bread.” He smiled at Gavin.

Torin poked the barrel of his rifle against a can of beans and made a face at it. He pushed it away from himself then suddenly smiled, “rabbit sounds good.”

Gentry nodded, “agreed.”

And that day, the boys went hunting.  
  


**\- - - - - - - - - -**

That night, they had their feast. The Thanksgiving drop included two bottles of brandy and they’d caught three rabbits and a grouse then ate like foxhole kings.

One by one, the boys went to sleep or wandered away for their watches around the outpost. By this time, their little camp was built up to contain a nice little barracks with actual bunk beds, though there were only four beds and twelve men. They’d shoved them together and slept six men at once if they needed to. They had a decent outhouse, a portable shower, and even constructed a little common area with a roof. Really, that space was more of an addition to the small gunner bunker that housed their gatling gun, but there was space enough for a table and several seats.

Gavin sat in a chair, leaning back casually with his feet propped up on the table, ankles crossed. Hirsch was casually sitting on the table cross-legged next to Gav’s boots.

He took the bottle from Seb and finished it off. Pity there hadn’t been more. He stared down at the empty bottle in his hands, too tired to even lean forward and set it on the table. He opted to lean to the side and set it on the ground. When he looked up, he caught Sebastian staring at his face intently. 

Gav’s knee jerk reaction was to put a hand to his face and touch the scar over his brow. 

“What?” Gavin dropped his hand and scowled. “I’m not gunna talk about it so don’t ask.”

“What? No…” Seb shook his head, “I wasn’t…”

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Gavin really liked him and the very last thing he wanted was for Seb to ask about his scar. 

Gav wondered what he thought about that scar. He was self-conscious, but what could you do when the mark split down your entire fucking face like that? Can’t hide it. He suddenly wished he could. Why did he feel that way at all? It was just Sebastian and he’d spent months with him. 

Gavin’s drunk thoughts went to strange places sometimes and he always thought the worst when people stared at him.

“Sorry.” He shrugged and looked down at the floor between them. “Just…” He looked up through his lashes for a moment, “your eyes.” 

“My eyes?” Gav blinked stupidly.

“Yeah. I mean… They were blue but they’re gray now. They change color… It’s pretty. I mean cool. Your eyes are cool.” He shook his head and smiled awkwardly for a moment. 

Gavin snorted and gave a small shrug. “Yeah, I guess.” 

_His eyes…_

Gavin was staring at Seb, lost in thoughts of nothing in particular as the room slowly tilted and slid to the side. Pleasant. Sebastian had pretty eyes. Gav suddenly started chuckling.

Seb furrowed his brow, still smiling, “you okay?”

“You said my eyes are pretty.” 

“Cool.” 

“No, you said they’re pretty…” Gav pointed at him, “and it’s funny cuz _you’re_ pretty.” He laughed, “you and your sky blue eyes and dimples and perfect teeth and skin…” Gavin trailed off and touched his fingertips to his scar briefly.

It was Seb’s turn to blink stupidly in surprised silence.

Sebastian _was_ pretty. Gav had always thought so, but now he was suddenly struck by thought that maybe… There could be something more to it. Gavin tried to pin down thoughts of other boys he found to be good looking through his life. Were they just nice to look at because he appreciated people’s looks, or had he been sexually attracted to them? And was he only thinking that way now because it’d been over a year since he’d been around any girls?

He had dreams about sex with guys. Seemed normal to him. They were just dreams, after all. Fantasies. This wasn’t a topic he could ever really bring up with anyone so Gav just assumed it was something everyone did.

Drunk thoughts. Strange places. 

“I drank too much...” Gavin closed one eye, then closed the other and immediately regretted it as he felt like he was about to fall out of the chair.  
  


**\- - - - - - - - - -**

Gavin woke up in a bed huddled under blankets next to Seb. That wasn’t unusual, he often slept next to Sebastian. But this morning he found himself staring at his face while the man slept. He couldn’t really remember what his train of thought had been the night before, but he remembered most everything that was said.

He snorted quietly to himself. He told Seb that he was pretty. Sounded like something he’d say to a girl. Something stupid because Gav wasn’t the best at flirting. Had that been flirting when Seb told him his eyes were pretty? Had he been flirting with Gavin all along? How was he supposed to be able to tell the difference between guys flirting with one another and brotherly camaraderie? Did guys flirt with each other if they wanted to have sex? Did he want to have sex with Sebastian outside of his own fantasies? 

Gav’s eyes washed over his face and rested on his mouth. He’d be lying if he said he’d never imagined kissing Seb. Fantasies. He furrowed his brow a little. He’d never thought about kissing any of the other boys. Only Sebastian. What’d that mean? 

He sighed and slipped out from under the blankets. Gavin hated his thought train most times. When stuck on a track, the best thing to do was derail the bastard or it could make him go insane. 

Gavin rubbed his temples as he walked to the shelf he’d stored the hooch on. The best thing for a headache was more alcohol. Also the best thing for derailing stupid thought trains. Two birds, one stone.  
  


****

###  \- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

****

For Christmas, Chase visited them. He laughed as he called himself ‘Santa Chase’ and presented the boys with a supply crate painted up like a green and red wrapped gift.

Clever.

The majority of their gifts had been extra warm socks, underwear, toiletries they would have received anyway but double the amount, and a large ham. 

The boys sat around their burn barrel and a good sized six-foot tall pine tree they’d cut down and drug up the hill to place in the corner. They had decorated it with toilet paper, cloth scraps, tin can lids, string and a long garland they’d made from bullet casings. Peterson topped it with a broken helmet they’d painted a star on and it was just perfect.

The best gift they’d received, however, was that the shooting had slowed down over the past few weeks. Now they were only fired on two or three times a week instead of every damn day. 

Chase told them ‘you’re welcome’ and explained how their little hedgehog defense had been gaining more ground because of White Hawk’s presence. They were able to establish more small outposts in the valley and were steadily pushing the Commies back, albeit very slowly. 

They were supposed to get more PA suits in the next few months and the boys would be free to leave the outpost once that happened. 

“How’s a furlough sound to you kids?” The General got comfortable in his seat and propped his feet up on a crate, grinning as he chewed on the end of a cigar. 

They perked up considerably. 

“Pretty damn good, Sir.” Peterson laughed.

“Get through these last couple months and you’re all cleared for take-off to go stateside and get your dicks wet.” The General gave a curt nod, “you all have earned it twice over.” 

Chase took a few puffs of his cigar and grinned, “these last weeks will be a cakewalk.”

_Gav cringed._  
  


****

###  \- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

****

Sebastian stepped up beside Gav while he stood guard on the far side of the outpost. They nodded at one another as a greeting then Gav went back to staring out at the sky.

He’d never get used to those strange beautiful lights dancing through the blackness overhead. 

Behind the winter face mask he was wearing, Gav smiled. Standing next to Seb in a comfortable silence as they watched the lights reflecting off fresh snow felt… Really good. 

Gavin had always romanticized things. He enjoyed a good love story performance. He imagined himself as one of the actors in a romantic scene, standing on a balcony with his lover as they held hands and kissed under the stars. 

He glanced at Seb and his smile grew bigger, touching his eyes. Hiding behind all the winter gear, Gav was free to grin like an idiot. So he did. Even as the cold and the expression stung the scar on his cheek. He wished there weren’t so many layers of heavy gear between the two of them. Winter in Alaska was the worst.

It was funny to think he almost longed for the daily attacks from weeks ago. The Commies only stopped attacking altogether because it was frigid outside. Subzero temperatures meant more clothes. More clothes meant he couldn’t be as close to Sebastian. 

Yeah… His feelings for the man went well beyond appreciating his good looks. 

Gavin had a crush.

And he had no idea what to do about it.  
  


****

###  \- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

****


	5. Names

  
  
  
  
  


****

### \- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

****

Gavin stood in the middle of the outpost with his arms crossed, staring at the hawk painted on the barracks wall.

Peterson stepped up next to him and mimicked the posture somewhat mockingly. He thoughtfully stroked his chin with two fingers of his gloved hand. “I believe what the artist of this fine piece was trying to say here is… _‘Fuck you, Commie bastards.’_ ” He turned his head and grinned.

“Mm…” Gav nodded, “how much do you suppose a great work of art such as this would cost?”

“Million dollars and seven men.” The expression on his face grew somber for a moment as the two of them read over the names scratched into the wood under one of the hawk’s wings.

Gavin read and re-read them daily. Sometimes he’d be caught tracing his fingers over the grooves of the letters. 

Peterson redirected Gav’s thoughts, “what’s up?”

“The past ten weeks have gone by without anything horrible happening to us.” 

“Yeah… You bored or somethin’?” He thumbed over his shoulder, “wanna go hunt ‘em down and pick a fight?”

Gav turned away from the hawk and shook his head, “this seems… Too easy.” Chase told them it’d be a cakewalk and he’d been waiting for the worst. Any minute. 

The O’Malley boys set a crate down on a bench and immediately worked the top off with a bar. Some of the other boys wandered out of the barracks and gun room to see what their newest gift box contained. 

Gavin smirked at the crate. The guys from the base had painted red hearts all over it for Valentine’s Day. Cute.

Torin was reaching inside before the lid was completely removed and he suddenly snorted loud laughter as he pulled out a handful of magazines. 

Aedan took one from him and flipped through the pages, stopped in the middle, then turned it sideways and grinned. “Can’t tell if this is a real gift or a joke…” He tilted his head a little, “but I don’t really care.” He turned the magazine around to face the boys, “we got titties fer Valentine’s Day!” 

Other than the couple of pinups some of the boys had stuck to the walls in the beginning, Gav had never actually looked at the coveted magazine pictures. When a mag showed up in the base, the pictures were torn out immediately. Gavin had always done just fine with his imagination alone. But he was curious. 

Torin handed him a magazine and he slowly thumbed through it. 

The boys were showing off pictures in their respective magazines to one another, trading them back and forth, and talking about the girls in the images. The majority of them were focussing on breasts, legs, butts and hair. Gav opened to the centerfold and turned the magazine sideways. 

She had a beautiful smile. Pretty eyes. He furrowed his brow a little and flipped through some more images. Though the girls were pretty to look at, and not to mention completely naked, Gavin didn’t feel any sort of real sexual arousal at the images. He thought about the girls he’d been with. They had most definitely gotten a rise out of him. He did, indeed, like girls. 

He glanced over the top of the magazine at Sebastian who was leaning against a wall with his own mag. At this point, after a lot of thought, Gav was pretty sure he liked guys too. One guy in particular. 

He watched Seb for a while and realized… He wasn’t looking at the pictures. Sebastian was reading.

Gentry sidled up next to Gav and opened to his magazine’s centerfold girl. Gavin smiled and nodded at it. 

“Not your type?” He lowered the mag.

Gavin shrugged.

“What do you like?” 

“I’m not sure.” He made a face as he thought about it. 

Gentry regarded him quietly for a moment then leaned a little closer, “some people… Pictures just don’t do it.” He smiled faintly, “some people… Need people.”

Gav turned to him and wrinkled his nose in confusion at the words. 

“I’m going to make an assumption here, stop me if I’m wrong, but you’ve… Been around, yeah?”

A slight nod.

“Do you get most turned on when the clothes come off, or long before that?” He raised an eyebrow, “you know… In pursuit.”

Gav stared stupidly at the man. 

He shook his head and tried to rephrase it, “some folks are attracted to people. Their personality. The whole shebang. And to a few of those folks, arousal comes from the chase.” Gentry flashed a grin, “don’t get me wrong… The sex is great, too.” He patted Gav on the shoulder and straightened up. “Guess I made three assumptions.”  
  


****

### \- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

****

The twelve soldiers didn’t just live and survive at the outpost for seven long months, the boys had made White Hawk their home. They’d laughed, cried, bonded and became close brothers during the time.

When it was time to leave, feelings were bittersweet. 

Jacobs hiked his pack up over one arm and sighed. They were leaving all their accumulated ‘gifts’ behind. People would come clean up the camp later on and all those little items that made their little structures feel more personalized would be taken to who knew where. 

Gavin saw the looks on their faces. It had to be strange for them to just up and leave one day like that. He stepped up onto a bench against the barracks wall and smiled down at them.

“You’ve all heard ‘home is where the heart is’...” He paused to look them all over, “our hearts are with one another. Our family.” He tapped his chest with one hand then left it there for a moment as he thought about that. “Some of you are going to go back to the states for a while. A few of you are going to a different unit.” Gavin tried to gather his thoughts but couldn’t quite find the words he wanted, so instead, he spread his arms wide to encompass them all and said it the best way he knew how... 

“Caravana noastră este familia noastră, iar lumea este familia noastră.” He gave a little nod to himself and smiled, “Our caravan is our family, and the world is our family.”  
  


**\- - - - - - - - - -**

The boys were heading out and Gavin paused at the painted hawk. He traced his fingertips over the names for the last time then placed a hand over the fresh names under the other wing that the boys carved out before they left.

Everyone who had defended White Hawk for over half a year. His boys. He had left his own name off the wall, but someone scratched it in anyway. Only his first name. Gav smiled. It must have been Seb. He pulled his knife out and carved away the wood, writing two more names after the first.

A shadow fell on the wall and Gavin didn’t have to look to know who it was. 

Sebastian spoke quietly over his shoulder, “How do you--”

“Cho-bah-new.” Gav sounded it out for him. He smiled faintly, “means ‘shepherd’.”

Seb smiled as he read it, “Gavin Ciobanu-Kidd.”

When he had made the impulsive decision to write down a different last name upon signing up, he was bitter and angry at himself. He felt like he didn’t deserve his family name, so he angrily wrote something pejorative instead. He thought he was less than a man. A kid. Not a shepherd of any kind. 

And then, over the years, he’d become Gavin Kidd… As well as a shepherd. 

He viewed Kidd as his new family name, but would no longer be ashamed of Ciobanu.

After all, names were important.  
  


****

### \- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

****

They were free to leave the outpost, but had to go on one last patrol. Basically, the boys had to walk the long way to the new forward base around the mountain.

And half way around a small lake. 

“Colder than a witch’s tit out here…” Torin dusted snow off the fallen tree and plopped down, kicking his boots out in front of him and crossing his ankles.

Aedan stared at him incredulously, “ya serious? Compared ta three months ago, this is a tropical vacation.” He smirked, “do ya even know how cold a witch’s tit is?”

“Thirty-eight point six degrees.” Jacobs leaned against a tree beside them.

“Been with a lotta witches, have ya?” Aedan raised an eyebrow at him.

“Just your ma.” He smirked.

Feigning a look of seriousness, Torin pointed, “hey now, those are fightin’ words.” 

Aedan shrugged, “yeah well, she _is_ a witch.”

Tor nodded, “fair enough.”

Sitting next to them on the tree close to Sebastian, Gavin continued to stare out at the lake out in front of him as he snorted a quiet laugh. Funny how there’d been a time when he’d have taken that entire exchange personally. 

It was overcast that day. Again. A light dusting of snow blanketed the trees and earth around them and the air was still. It was serene. Life was divided for these soldiers. Long drawn out restless boredom and sudden explosive violence for a handful of minutes that stretched on for eternities. There were few moments in between that were much else. Moments like these. 

Peace. 

Beautiful scenery they could really enjoy. 

Gavin glanced sideways at Sebastian for a second then smiled and turned back to the lake. It reminded him of a place his caravan had spent a Christmas one year when he was young. A picturesque lake just like this one. Somewhere far away. They’d celebrated for days. Music, dancing, storytelling. Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to celebrate with carefree abandon once again…

Now, Gavin was always searching for hidden enemies in the landscape. He wished he could see it the way he once did years ago. He worked to bring up the memory of his old family on the edge of the lake. He tried. His thoughts drifted to his boys. 

It was April now. His family would be traveling. Gavin’s lip curled into a little half smile at a thought… He was traveling with his new family. Marching. With his brothers. This was home. 

Sebastian dug something from a pocket and nudged him. 

Gav raised an eyebrow as he took the packaged cookie.

“Happy birthday.” Sebastian said softly. “Sorry, it’s all I had. It’s hard and busted but--”

“Thank you, Seb.” Gavin’s smile made his eyes shine. He had mentioned his birthday one time ever, months ago. Sebastian had remembered. 

They stared at one another for a few seconds until Seb looked away with a shrug. 

Gavin pulled out a broken piece of cookie and handed it to him, pausing for a moment as their fingers touched. They both glanced up and looked one another in the eyes and Seb grinned deeply. Gav ran his eyes over the boy’s face and paused at his lips. He wanted to kiss him. So badly. He’d spent months trying to figure out if he liked the man, then several more weeks trying to figure out if Seb liked him the same way. Then, when he started to guess that maybe he did… Gav had spent the last two weeks trying to figure out how to tell him. 

He’d come close to just blurting out stupid words and things he had practiced in his mind, but never said anything. A couple times, after drinking some liquid courage, he’d come very close to just grabbing Seb and showing him how he felt.

If it weren’t for the others around… He may have. He played it out in his head as he bit his lip then had to look away before he decided to say fuck it to all the people sitting around and went for it. 

Seb blushed lightly and turned his attention back to the lake. “You going to go to OCS?” He awkwardly changed the subject. 

Gav blinked the thoughts in his head away then shrugged, “yeah.”

“You’ll be stateside for three months, then…” Sebastian glanced sideways at him. He looked a little sad. 

Gavin nodded, “yeah but I’ll be back.”

“You’ll be a Second Lieutenant.” Seb stared down at his boots. 

Gav paused. “...Yeah.”

The Suicide Squad would no longer be his. Not really. He’d have more men to look after. His boys would get a different Sergeant. Possibly Seb or Frankie. But that meant Gavin wouldn’t get to hang out with them as much. He suddenly started to rethink the idea of OCS. 

Gentry stepped in front of them and crossed his arms, grinning stupidly. 

“What?” Gav cocked his head.

“You realize that, at any given moment, one of you could be shot and killed?” He snorted a little chuckle.

Gavin narrowed his eyes, “and that’s funny because?”

He pointed a finger, “if ever you have something to say to someone, you should say it. Don’t hold back or you could regret it one day.” Gentry cocked his chin at them, “better to say the words you fear than to live with lifelong regret about not speaking up when you had the chance.”

“Okay…” Gav furrowed his brow at the man. “Sound advice.”

Sebastian stared at him, glanced at Gav again, then looked down at his boots once more.

Gentry snorted and shook his head, “ain’t it, though?”  
  


**\- - - - - - - - - -**

Moments.

In life, there are these instances that change the course of everything in the blink of an eye. 

The snapping of a branch in the distance. 

A bullet. 

_Zipthunk!_

Gentry made a sound then fell in front of Gavin and sudden realization hit them all at once. 

The boys on the tree ducked down and the others who had been standing took cover. Gav grabbed Gentry and pulled him down when he tried to stand. 

The man clenched his teeth tight and lifted his hand from his side gingerly then pressed it back against the bleeding gunshot just under the bottom of his vest. 

They always aimed for the hips. 

He sucked air through his teeth and leaned heavily against the tree as the others started firing at the Commies in the trees coming down the hill from behind.

Gavin pulled him down to lay and knelt over him as he fired on the Reds. “How is it?”

“Scratch…”

“Bull--” Gav ducked down and took the opportunity to pull the man’s hand away from the wound. 

One hole. The bullet was still somewhere inside him and he was bleeding out fast. They couldn't use a spak until the damn bullet was out. Gavin glanced over his shoulder at the lake behind then popped his head back up over the tree. They were being advanced on quickly and would be surrounded…

Jacobs fired a few shots from around a tree nearby then pressed up against it once more as they were answered in kind. “We can’t--”

“I know!” Gavin’s voice cracked as he yelled in frustration. 

He was going to have to make a decision. 

No time to think it over. 

He helped Gentry grip his rifle and get to his knees. “We can run and gun it out of here…” He tried to avoid looking at the man in his arms. His plan left Gentry to die. He was dead either way… They both knew it. 

Torin pulled grenades from his pack and handed the few they had out to some other boys he could reach from cover. 

No more time. 

“Go!” Gav pointed and the boys chucked their grenades.

Then ran. 

Gavin stayed back until the last minute, herding the boys around the edge of the lake into the trees. He was not going to die here. 

He stopped to provide cover fire after the dirt from the explosions started to settle and three others from the back paused with him. 

He wanted to tell them to go. Leave him behind. He wasn’t going to die. He’d be fine. 

But their help was a good idea, so he said nothing. 

He said nothing and by doing so, took those boys out with him when he was finally taken down.  
  


****

### \- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

****


	6. Worse Things

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **** Warning - The following couple of chapters deal heavily with psychological torture and Gavin's time spent as a prisoner of war. **

  
  
  
  
  


****

### \- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

****

_There were worse things than dying._

 

Gavin worked to calm his heart rate. Relax. Stop resisting. 

Behind his back, He flexed his fingers to try and get some blood flowing. 

Then he started to panic again at the tight binds. 

The darkness surrounding him.

The suffocating clothing wrapped around his entire head.

 _Relax._

The truck slowed to a stop. How long had he been in the back of the vehicle? Hours. Several hours. Half a day? 

The tailgate opened. Voices. _Hands on him._

He was pulled out roughly and stumbled. They let him fall this time. 

Someone pulled the material from his head and he flinched at the blinding white snow. Two men were talking to him, but he couldn’t understand anything they were saying. 

Gav looked away from the men. Where were the other three boys who’d been taken with him once they were overrun? 

Peterson was pulled from another truck and pushed down onto his knees beside Gav. The cloth was taken from his head and he blinked his surroundings into place just as Gavin had done. 

Unlike Gav, however, Peterson immediately took the opportunity to spit at their captors once he could see clearly. 

As soon as the muzzle of a rifle was pressed against the man’s cheek in response, Gavin opened his mouth.

“No!” He glared at the man holding the weapon.

That’d been a mistake. 

When he was in the back of the truck, Gavin had a lot of time to think. They took him alive. They wanted something from him. He had made a decision to keep his mouth closed and play ignorant as best he knew how, and Gavin had years of practice throughout his life at playing stupid. He couldn’t lie, but he could keep his mouth shut and there was nothing they could do to make him talk.

_Well, one thing they could do._

Threaten someone he cared about.

 _Worse things than dying._

More men approached and Gavin worked to put his mask of frightened ignorance back on. He didn’t have to work very hard for it. He _was_ scared. Frightened by all the uncertainty of what they were going to do to him and his brother. 

One of the men was clearly an officer; A Sergeant, just like him. 

_Just like him…_

It had been drilled into their heads since day one that the Chinese were the enemy. They were not men and they were not to be humanized. Soldiers who sympathized with the enemy often hesitated when faced with killing them. 

Gavin had tried that at first. It was easier when shooting at them from far away, but once he started running across their dead bodies he saw young boys just like his own. 

This was as close as Gavin had ever been to live Chinese men. The Enemy. 

The Sergeant motioned to Gavin with a hand, “you are officer?” His speech was a slow drawl.

Gavin remained silent. 

The man didn’t break eye contact with Gav as one more of his boys was brought out and pushed down on the other side of him. 

Relax. Calm even breaths. 

_Worse things..._  
  


****

### **\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -**

Gavin had done well keeping quiet the first day as they asked him questions.

And the following day when they made him draw maps. He drew a pretty decent bullshit map at first, but it didn’t fool anyone. He’d passive-aggressively ‘labeled’ buildings on his maps with Romanian curse words. That made him feel slightly better inside. 

Until they’d given him a beating for drawing fake maps.

He’d taken the brunt of their aggression, and that was fine by him… Until they started to get tired of it and changed tactics. 

On the third or fourth day, Gav couldn’t be certain anymore, a Lieutenant pulled him out of the box they’d been keeping him in and drug him out to his boys. There were only the two of them, for certain. The third man… He wasn’t there. He wasn’t there and Gavin rolled the man’s name around his head over and over again. 

_Stephen Ferris._

They’d been giving him water. No food. They wouldn’t let him fall asleep. 

They continued to yell at him in Chinese and then ask him questions in broken English. 

_Random._

Out of the box. Water. Yelling. Questions. Back in the box. 

Why were they doing that to him? He was a nobody, really. The Chinese had taken American prisoners in the past. Did they do this to everyone? Where were all those men now? 

He stared in a stupor at his two boys on their knees in the dirt. They looked to be in about the same condition as he was. 

A Lieutenant looked Gav in the eye for a moment to be sure he had his attention, then he lifted his rifle and fired a shot. 

Back in the box. 

Kicking and screaming the entire way.  
  


****

### \- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

****

_Louis Fernandez. James Gentry. Stephen Ferris... Thomas Peterson._

_All his fault._

What was he supposed to do?! 

Out of the box. Water.

In the box. 

They’d started giving him food. He wanted to refuse it… But he couldn’t resist. 

He was allowed to sleep for roughly thirty minutes about two times a day. 

Gavin had skirted around the edge of a complete mental breakdown for a long while. Crying until he thought his head would burst from the pain. Random bouts of unhinged laughter. Staring into the darkness of the tiny box and rocking silently. 

Singing to himself. 

He never realized he was singing until he would catch himself sometimes and close his mouth, pressing his bleeding cracked lips together tightly. Focus on the pain. Focus on the names. 

_Louis Fernandez. James Gentry…_

He started crying again when he remembered the last thing Jimmy had said to him. 

_If ever you have something to say to someone, you should tell them._

Out of the box. 

This time they’d stripped off the clothes they’d put him in, dumped two cold buckets of water over his head, then put him back in the box with clean clothes and another small blanket.  
  


****

### **\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -**

One day, they took him from the box and didn’t put him back in.

They moved him to a small room inside a building. Cement. Dim lightbulb. Bucket. Three blankets.

The Sergeant was sitting at a small table in the middle of the room and they put Gavin in a chair across from him. 

He had no idea how long he’d been in that tiny box, but it had been long enough that he was craving human interaction… From anyone. 

He had introduced himself as Zheng and spoke calmly. Taking Gavin’s name from his tags and patch, Zheng had called him Kidd in a familiar way, using the name often.

Gavin felt like he needed that just as much as he needed air. 

He couldn’t keep his mouth shut any longer…

However, there had been a deeper rooted set of instinctive behaviors ingrained into his head since birth which quickly took over…

Gavin fell into his own language, rather than English. 

As a young teen, he’d been taken off the streets by police several times and the best thing they could do was play ignorant and act like they didn’t understand English until they were let go. Knowing other languages, especially obscure ones, came in handy.

Romanian was a lesser known language and Zheng only knew his last name as Kidd. He had a fairer complexion than others and his eyes were a rare blue… Gavin felt safe that there was nothing linking him to his heritage at that point. 

So he spoke to the man. He asked questions. Zheng couldn’t understand him so they went unanswered, but it felt great just to be able to talk to someone and vocalize his thoughts. 

The Sergeant only sat with Gavin for roughly twenty minutes that first day before taking the table and chairs and leaving him in the room. 

Then, Gav was left there alone to silently beg and plead for the man to return and talk some more. 

He realized that everything being done to him was to break him down mentally then offer Zheng to him as a life raft in the vast ocean of despair and loneliness. He knew what was going on, but he couldn’t fight it.  
  


****

### **\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -**

He was left alone for quite a while. Gavin was so disoriented that he couldn’t tell how long; His guess had a wide range of 2-5 days.

They still took him out of the room sometimes to make him do random things. 

_Always random._

Keep his mind confused. 

Sometimes they’d beat him a little. Sometimes they’d make him kneel on small rocks for hours or hold heavy things. Sometimes they’d just take him for a walk and put him back in the room. 

He still was not allowed much sleep.

They started feeding him better. 

They had stopped asking questions.

When Zheng returned to talk some more, Gavin had to fight off the eager excitement he felt at seeing the man. 

He’d brought Gavin a pillow and a book.

He continued to speak in English in such a way that made Gav suspect the man knew he could understand every word. _Zheng was a smart man._

Gavin asked about the other soldier who had been taken with him and Zheng recognized the name amongst the Romanian question. He told him that Kelly was still there. Still alive. Somewhere in another room kept separated from Gav completely.

He tried to tell Gavin that Kelly had given them a lot of information. Gav didn’t quite believe it… Why would they still have the two of them there if they didn’t need them anymore? But they did stop asking Gav questions, so maybe it was true? He wasn’t sure what to believe anymore. He tried to pretend that he didn’t quite understand the reply, but he must have let something slip…

Zheng was quiet for a while then calmly told Gavin that they had caught and killed all the men from the lake. Every last one. 

The Sergeant cracked a faint smile when Gavin started crying. 

And with that, he left once more.  
  


****

### **\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -**

Gavin wasn’t ready to give up.

He started making a routine of his own to counter the randomness of his treatment. 

When he woke up, he’d meditate as best he could. He wasn’t sure how it was supposed to go, but he’d seen Gentry do it. Quiet contemplation. He went over math in his head. The only math he knew… Everything Seb had taught him about being a sniper. That would lead to replaying memories in his head. At first, they were bitter, but Gavin worked hard to use them positively. Smile. Always smile. 

One of his clearest memories, because it had been one of the last, was sitting at the lake. The snow covered trees. Calm water. Sebastian next to him. 

_\-- Happy birthday. --_

After he ate, he’d exercise. His exercise consisted of walking in circles around the small room and stretching. He was far too weak to do much else. 

Whenever they took him from the room and brought him back, he’d sing quietly to himself or tell a story to the walls. 

He read the book Zheng had given to him. 

_‘The Quiet American’._

Zheng had a sense of humor. 

But was also showing Gavin that he had a profound sense of understanding and insight into his very being. 

It was eerie.

_“I never knew a man who had better motives for all the trouble he caused.”_

Gavin read and re-read the book so many times he had it nearly memorized. 

One day, Zheng brought someone into the room with him. The instant he saw the man, Gav knew it was all over for him.

Zheng was going to question him… And Gavin would no longer be able to hold out.  
  


****

### \- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

****


	7. Not Broken

  
  
  
  
  


****

### \- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

****

Gavin was impulsive. He did almost everything in his life with very little forethought… If any at all.

When he had written words on his map drawings in the beginning, he thought nothing of it. Something he did to amuse himself in the light of frightening circumstances.

_He had fucked up._

They’d taken his maps and given them to someone somewhere who figured out exactly what language it was. 

And now, Zheng sat comfortably next to a black-haired, brown-eyed man wearing colorful civilian clothing. 

His name was Corneliu Popescu and he greeted Gavin very formally. 

The man spoke like Gavin’s grandfather. Heavy into tradition. He seemed a little frightened and Gavin started to think he wasn’t a part of the Red Army. They must have hunted him down and either coerced him into coming or made a deal to get him there. Probably never even told him what he was about to do. 

That angered Gavin to no end. 

He didn’t know this man or his name. Gavin wasn’t as well versed in the ways of other families around the world; Corneliu was as different to Gavin culturally as Europeans were to Americans. 

But Corneliu was Roma and that alone bonded him to Gavin deeply. 

Something every one of them was taught around the world. A thing they all shared. 

Corneliu Popescu was family. 

All of Gavin’s fears subsided when the man lifted his chin a little and spoke with pride, “Gadje Gadjensa, Rom Romensa.”

Gav tried not to smile at the phrase. _-Gadje with Gadje, Rom with Rom-_ The man made it clear just then that he wouldn’t betray Gavin to any Gadje… _Non-Gypsy._

And from there on, every time Zheng asked a question, Gavin and Cornelieu would hold small bits of conversation that had little to nothing to do with said question. And then he’d relay it to the Sergeant. Relay something to him, anyway. 

Gavin did have to give up a few things, however. He started to find it easier to lie with Corneliu helping him along. Lace lies with truth, the man told him. 

When asked about power armor, Gavin said he didn’t use it and they didn’t have it anywhere he had been stationed. Truth. 

He told them he didn’t know how many they had or where they were held. Also truth. 

When the questions started to get more detailed, Gavin tripped up… And Corneliu polished his reply into a lie. After spending hours in the room, this had become simple. 

While playing the game, Gavin forgot just how intelligent Zheng was.  
  


****

### \- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

****

Gav was reminded of Zheng’s intellect days later when he returned with papers.

The man handed them over to him and relaxed back in his seat as Gavin looked through the pages which were purposefully written in English. 

He had somehow extrapolated a good amount of intel from what Gav told him. A damn good amount. 

And the expression on Gav’s face confirmed it for him.

Photographs and drawings of the power armor, along with what Gavin had said, were laid out and labeled. There was missing info, of course, but now they knew enough to properly pinpoint the power core and a few weaknesses. 

_Gavin had betrayed his entire country._

Zheng took the papers back and shuffled them neatly together, tapping the edges on the table. He regarded Gav silently for quite a while before he spoke,

“Strong men have been broken faster.” A faint smile, “you are only bent, not broken.”

Gav stared down at the table.

The Sergeant turned the papers around to face him and tapped a finger against the red circle around the power core of the suit. “This is Kelly.” 

Gavin glanced up through his lashes at the page.

Zheng slid that page in front of Gav then ran his finger over paragraphs on another. “Kelly.” He dropped that page and pointed out things on others, saying names of soldiers Gavin didn’t know.

He pressed a finger against one short paragraph on the power armor page in front of Gav. “This is you.”

Gavin read it slowly. All they’d taken from him was that the armor ran out of power quickly. Then they had speculated a few things. One of the speculations was that they thought there were only five suits. 

How many were there now? Gavin had no idea. Chase said they’d have an entire division outfitted shortly after the boys left White Hawk. How long had it been? 

And why was Zheng telling him this? 

More than likely another mind fuck.

“Are you going to kill me?” Gavin finally spoke English. It felt strange.

Zheng smiled as he gathered the papers up once more. “Not yet.”  
  


****

### \- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

****

Gavin stopped doing his routine.

They went back to feeding him less food.

He was allowed a little more sleep.

The random punishments continued. 

Zheng didn’t visit for days.

He fell back to bitter thoughts and being angry at himself once more. Because he had played dumb and spoke his own language, Corneliu was forced into the situation. Because he underestimated Zheng, he’d given away sensitive information and then confirmed it all with a quick look of surprise at the papers. Because he didn’t tell those boys to run while they could, they’d been taken. 

Because he had run away from home without thinking about anyone else but himself, he’d signed his life away and now here he was. 

Here he was. 

Alone. 

With his thoughts.  
  


****

### \- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

****

Out of the cell. Beaten.

In the cell. 

Water. 

Out of the cell. 

In the cell. No food. No sleep. 

Beaten. 

Out. 

In. 

_Lights off._

Gavin’s head jerked up and he stared into the darkness where the lightbulb was. Burned out. Figures. 

He pressed himself back into the corner more firmly and wrapped his arms loosely around his knees as best he could. He was so weak. Dizzy. Always so dizzy. Hallucinations were his only friends. 

His lips moved. Sound came out. What language was that? Didn’t matter anymore. Mumbles. Incoherent. 

_Shouting._

He squeezed his eyes closed and tried to shrug off confusion. No shouting. 

_There it was again._

Chinese shouting outside his cell. In the distance. 

_Gunfire?_

He tried to stand but couldn’t. Why bother. Where would he go?

_Hallucinations?_

Thumping. Metal on metal. Screaming. Yelling. 

_Gunfire._

The door was suddenly smashed open in a loud crash and white beams of light cut through the darkness.

There in the doorframe, bathed in moving lights from behind, stood the most beautiful thing Gavin had ever seen. 

An American soldier clad in Power Armor.  
  


****

### \- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

****


	8. The Hawk and the Hart

  
  
  
  
  


****

### \- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

****

He was sent back to the states.

Gavin had lost a dangerous amount of weight over the course of the six months and had to be hospitalized for a while. 

_Six months._

It had felt like years at the time, but looking back it seemed like only a few weeks. 

While he recovered in the hospital, Gavin spoke to a psychiatrist. He was medicated with several things, one of which was a sleeping pill. 

Kelly was there. He’d lived. 

The two of them talked for hours every day. Sometimes they just sat in silence together and watched TV or played cards. 

Three months in, a Captain had come to visit them. 

Gavin was told he led the power armor division and had been responsible for the destruction of the base. And the rescue. 

Funny… Chase hadn’t managed to take credit for that.

He felt a little flattered that a Captain was taking the time to come visit him. His counselor had helped him understand that all those events weren’t his fault, but he still struggled with believing it sometimes. 

He was sitting out on the patio when the Captain approached.

“Kidd.”

Gav turned his head then jumped to his feet and saluted. “Sir.”

Then he paused and dropped his hand. “Hey…” He forgot himself completely, “you…”  
  


**\- - - - - - - - - -**

Gavin finally found out the man’s name. And now that he knew it, he’d never forget.

_Captain Roger Maxson._

He had received another promotion, but it was the same man. Sergeant Maxson. First Lieutenant Maxson. Now Captain. 

He shook Gavin’s hand and the two of them sat.

“How are you doing?” Maxson asked carefully. 

“I’m good.” Gav smiled. He _was_ good. His smile faded at a thought. “How are my… How’s the squad?” He was afraid to ask. “The White Hawk guys.”

“Integrated into another unit under me due to losses,” he explained. “Private Ferris was sent out to recover from injuries, but has since returned. Private Gentry was K.I.A.” He paused for a moment then motioned with a hand, “Kelly is here, of course, Peterson--”

“Yeah,” Gav interrupted, “I know the rest.” He didn’t want to hear it. 

However, Maxson just said Ferris was alive. Gavin thought he was dead that whole time. Finally, some good news...

He cocked his head a little, “You’ve been cleared to return, should you choose. You’ll be promoted.”

Gavin nodded, “I would like to return.” He glanced down at his hands in his lap, “but, with all due respect, Sir… I’d like to decline the promo.”

“Very well.” Maxson gave a small nod, “your previous rank of Sergeant will be reinstated.”

“Is it alright if I decline that, as well?” He glanced up at the Captain.

Maxson stared at him for a long moment. “What do you want to do, Kidd?” 

“Well… I know what I _don’t_ wanna do.” He stared down at his hands once more, “I don’t want to be in charge ever again. I’m no leader.”

The Captain gave a little smile and shook his head, “your rank isn’t what makes you a leader… Your heart makes you a leader.”  
  


****

### \- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

****

It was February when he returned to Alaska.

He hopped out of the bird and smiled at the sun sitting low on the horizon. 

Memories. 

New Forward Base, new faces, new start to a new day.

Still felt like home.

The first thing Gavin did was search out people he knew. He wanted to find Seb, first and foremost, so he made his way to the office to bug a Sergeant. 

And so he ran across the first of his White Hawk brothers.

“Sir.” Gav stood in the doorway with a stupid grin on his face.

Jacobs glanced up from his paperwork on the desk, blinked in surprise, then dropped his pen and nearly tripped over his own boots.

He practically drug Gavin to the common room where the O’Malley boys were sitting at a crate playing spades with two men Gav didn’t know.

Torin’s goofy grin was so big that it showed off his chipped front tooth. “Well, look who’s still alive!” 

“Still kicking.” Gavin smiled.

The boys hugged him then Aedan introduced him to the other two men. Wilkins and Campbell.

“That the guy you’re always on about?” Wilkins pointed.

Torin nodded.

Gavin eyed him, “What’d you say about me?”

“That yer a crazy pikey bastard who’s butt I kicked…” Tor grinned smugly then put an arm around him, “and that ya saved my dumb Irish arse.”

After a while, Gav turned to Jacobs, “Where’s Seb?”

He shrugged.  
  


****

### \- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

****

Gavin needed to find him. He planned it all out in his head for nearly a year. Everything he was going to say. He imagined the conversation a million times.

He didn’t care to hold things back anymore. He was going to speak his mind, do the things he thought were right… _And tell people he loved them._

He ran the words over in his head repeatedly. He was going to tell him how he felt. 

Then it all went right out the window when he saw him.

Sebastian was with a group of soldiers. He was smiling. Gavin had missed that smile. Dreamt about it. 

He stood and stared. Couldn’t find his words for a moment. 

Gav stuffed his hands in his pockets, took a breath and walked up to the group as casually as he could.

“Hey Seb.” Of all the things he wanted to say… That was what came out of his fool mouth.

Sebastian stared, took a small step forward, then glanced around at the men and paused. “Kidd.”

Gavin almost frowned. He looked at the men. They were staring at him. Then he looked at Seb and realized what the problem was.

He cleared his throat and grinned, “Sir.” 

_Second Lieutenant Hirsch._

Had a nice ring to it. 

Damn, how he wanted to touch him. Kiss him. 

Seb was proper, however. 

It nearly killed Gavin inside to just stand there, unable to do what he wanted. Do the things he was imagining. _Vividly._

He wondered if Sebastian still felt the same about him as he did before. 

It was difficult to tell through the man’s decorum. He had to go do… _Lieutenant type crap_ … And so he left after only a brief talk.  
  


****

### \- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

****

Gavin wandered around to the mess, got some food, went to take a shower, then tried to go to sleep for a while.

He couldn’t sleep. 

Back to the mess for a snack, then he wandered the commons to play games. 

Then he found himself just aimlessly meandering outside around the F.O.B.

He fidgeted with the vest over his fatigues. It was one of those particular days where they had to wear their gear outside. Gav hated those days. Enemies nearby. 

Felt kind of strange and yet perfectly familiar to wear all that stuff again. Like an old worn out boot taken out of storage after a long time of neglect. 

“Vin…” Seb beckoned him over to a supply shack.

Gavin glanced around for a moment then smiled. He casually stuffed his hands in his pockets and strolled over. 

Sebastian pulled him inside the shack and closed the door quietly, flicking on a flashlight and setting it on a shelf above them. Gav pulled his hands from his pockets and looked around the small space apprehensively. He had developed quite a disliking to enclosed areas... 

His nervousness at the space started to fade away when Seb put his hands on Gav’s upper arms and whispered, “I thought I’d never see you again.”

Gavin blinked at him then grinned faintly, “well, here I am.”

“Yeah…” 

A silence filled the room and Gav started to get nervous again. It wasn’t entirely the small space this time. He licked his lips and shifted his weight under Sebastian's grip. 

“I um…” He finally dropped his hands, “you know I like you…” He furrowed his brow a little, “right?”

Again, Gavin blinked at him then shrugged, “I know.” He cleared his throat and glanced down, “I mean… Yeah. I like you, too, Seb.” All those practiced lines… Completely forgotten and replaced by boyish nervousness.

After a long pause, he heard Sebastian sigh, “fuck it.” And Gavin looked up just as Seb leaned in and kissed him full on the lips. 

The small space didn’t matter anymore. The darkness of the room forgotten. The cold chill air… It was all gone. Gavin stared at him, his lips slightly parted in surprise. 

“I’m… Sorry.” Sebastian nervously rubbed a hand against his arm. “Just… I thought I’d never see you again and I needed to let you know and if you wanna punch me in the face now I get that… But I don’t regret--”

Gavin pulled him closer and cut off his rambling.

The kiss was awkward for a moment. Two young boys hidden in a tiny supply shed acting on pent up desire, separated by layers of clothing and bulky gear. 

Sebastian removed his helmet and dropped it to the side with a loud thunk then took Gavin’s off, clumsily unstrapping it and pushing it backward off his head in the middle of a deep open-mouthed kiss. He ran a hand over Gav’s short shaved hair and worked to press himself closer, their vests denying them the contact they both craved. Seb uttered a frustrated sound between his teeth against Gavin’s jaw and moved him back, falling with him against the metal shelf. Items shifted and a few clattered noisily as small boxes fell over.

Sebastian laughed quietly when Gav tried to catch a box of bullets and missed, the container falling to the ground and popping open to spill ammo noisily along the floor. 

“Sshhh…” Seb whispered against his throat as he worked to pull Gavin’s vest off. 

If they got caught, the two of them would be in so much trouble. Gavin didn’t care. All he cared about in the moment was what it would feel like to touch Seb. Skin against skin. He’d played this out in his mind so many times. He’d imagined what it would feel like to have those strong large hands touch his body. Caress him. Press his bare chest against Seb’s and kiss those lips. This was a dream. And Gavin needed it.

Sebastian dropped his own vest noisily to the floor next to Gav’s, their gear now filling the small space around their feet, littered with bullets and two more fallen ammo boxes. 

He wound his hands low around Gav’s waist and pulled his hips against him. Gavin froze for a moment at the feeling of the hard heated bulge pressing into his hip. 

Seb pulled his lips from Gavin’s neck and moved back just enough to look his face over. Between heavy breaths he whispered quietly, “You ever done this before?” 

Gav slowly shook his head no. 

“Do you want me to stop?” 

“No.” Gavin shook his head again and grinned. 

Sebastian smiled and pressed his forehead against Gavin’s as he moved his hands. “Good… I don’t wanna stop.” He fumbled for a moment then pulled Gavin’s pants open and slid his hand in. 

Gav bit his lip and nestled his head against Seb’s neck, trying to muffle the quiet sounds he was making against his shoulder. Scattered thoughts drifted in and out of his mind of a different time and place where the two of them could lay naked together. Intertwined, tangled, impossibly close. Kissing and touching. Exploring. Other thoughts mingled. Here and now. _God, Sebastian felt good against him._ His hand. The heat rolling off his body. Hot breath against his ear. 

The door suddenly opened and both boys jumped back away from one another. 

“Fer fuck’s sake!” Torin shook his head and laughed, “ya gotta be shittin’ me!” 

Gavin adjusted his pants and glanced at Seb sheepishly. 

“Shut your trap, O’Malley!” Hirsch pointed sternly at the man.

Torin only laughed harder. “I can’t…” He worked to catch his breath.

Gavin grabbed him by the top of his vest and jerked him forward, glaring dangerously.

“Woah… down boy…” His idiotic laughter died down to chuckles and a goofy grin as he placed his hands gently on Gav’s fist on his vest.

“What’s so fucking funny?” Gavin released him with a shove.

O’Malley adjusted his vest nonchalantly, “oh nuthin. Just…” He pointed at each of them in turn, “A German and a Romanian in a shed…” He started laughing again, “yer like the punchline in a dumb racial joke!”

Gavin and Seb looked at one another for a moment and Sebastian cracked a smile. 

“You’re a dumb racial joke.” Gav punched Torin in the arm then turned to hastily gather his gear off the shed floor.  
  


**\- - - - - - - - - -**

Aedan was grinning at Gav when he went back to the commons. Torin had already told him. Figures.

“About fuckin’ time.” He snorted.

Gavin blinked stupidly at him as he sat down at the table.

“Ya serious?” Aedan laughed, “the tension’s been so thick ya could slice it like a pie and serve it up hot.”

“What?” Gav furrowed his brow and tried to pinpoint anything that had happened at the outpost between he and Seb that would have been obvious. He couldn’t think of anything. “How… Who knows, Danny?”

He snorted, “pretty sure everyone since none of the boys are blind.”

“And… Nobody…” Gavin spoke carefully, “cares?”

O’Malley shrugged, “naw. We’re all rebels and outspoken hooligans. Troublemakers… And we’ll always love ya… Just like ya love us.” He pointed a finger, “but ya better not let ranks catch on… There’s a few things they may not be too keen on.”

Sebastian being an officer, for one.  
  


****

### \- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

****

Seb had a great deal of control. Gav… Not so much. His impulsive nature guided his actions. He didn’t want Sebastian to get in trouble though. This had created a delightfully frustrating problem.

Gentry had been correct in all three assumptions. 

Gavin liked people and found that what he was attracted to was personality, regardless of gender.

And he was completely turned on by the chase. 

He had already wanted Seb, but because he was difficult to get… Gavin found his desire heightened to an entirely new level. He wondered, briefly, if all that time in the outpost where he lusted after the man but didn’t act on it was something he’d done to himself. 

He shrugged it off and popped the lock open on the door he’d been working on. 

_Pantry._

Seb glanced around nervously then whispered, “I can’t believe you--”

Gav stepped backward into the dark room and crooked a finger.  
  


**\- - - - - - - - - -**

Sebastian smiled up at him and Gavin watched intently. Curious. This was something he wasn't supposed to be doing. Ever. Old family taboos had went right out the window, however, the moment Sebastian sank to his knees and touched him. He ran a hand over Seb’s head tenderly for a moment then made a sound and leaned heavily against the shelf behind him.

“Sshh..” Seb hushed a warning quietly between his lips pressed against him.

Gav tried to be quiet. 

Tried. Failed. 

All attempts to suppress deep throated moans only turned them into pleading whimpers. He couldn’t help it. He’d never had someone on their knees before and he found himself completely overwhelmed by the sensation. And when he looked down and saw Seb looking back up at him through his lashes… Gavin lost any semblance of control he had. Which was very little to begin with.

“Seb… Stop…” He curled his fingers against the man’s head to ease him back. 

_He didn’t stop._

“Seb--” He closed his eyes and mouthed a soundless word as his hips jerked... 

Sebastian stayed on his knees for a moment before slowly getting to his feet. He was smiling. 

Gav glanced down sheepishly. “Sorry… I didn’t--”

Seb kissed him and the insecurity vanished. 

He whispered against Gavin’s mouth quietly, “I like the way you taste…”

Curious all over again. “Can I…” Gavin wasn’t sure how to ask.

“You don’t have to.” 

“I want to.” He grinned.

Gav wanted to make him feel good and lose control, too. Sebastian was always calm and collected. Gavin felt an urgent desire to fuck that composure all up. Make him try and bite back sounds of pleasure. Hear him whimper. 

He got on his knees and only hesitated a second. 

Seb made him slow down a little then told him what to do in one or two word hushed whispers. Those whispers started to become breathy and less coherent by the minute. 

But the majority of his composure remained. 

Gavin had made it a personal goal from that point forward to make Sebastian lose it completely. 

_Next time._  
  


****

### \- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

****

Gavin sat behind Sebastian hunched over on the floor of a dimly illuminated patrol hut. He rested his chin on the man’s shoulder and watched him as he wrote a letter to his parents. He’d started over three times now.

 _‘I met someone here in Alaska.’_ It started this time. Seb’s unmoving pen sat pressed against the paper for a while. 

_‘Smart, funny--’_

Gav pointed to the paper, “Sexy as all hell. Nice ass.” 

Sebastian chuckled quietly.

“What? It’s true. Write it down.” 

Seb continued to write, _‘--cute. I really like him. Probably not what you had in mind, but he makes me happy.’_

Gav smiled and buried his face against Seb’s shoulder over his vest. Damn gear, always in the way. 

He started to write something else, then scribbled it out and crumpled up the third paper and sighed. 

“I can’t…” He fidgeted with the pen, turning it over and over in his hands, “I can’t tell them I have a boyfriend.”

Gavin sat up and cocked his head to the side. “Boyfriend, huh?” He smiled.

“Well… Yeah.” Seb turned a little to face him, “I mean… That okay?”

He shrugged, but his smile remained. 

“I mean…” Sebastian turned back to staring at the pen in his hands, “this place is hell. And I don’t think long lasting relationships can survive war, but right here and now…” He glanced over his shoulder at Gav, “Don’t have to be exclusive or anything.”

“Ma always told me I’d follow my hart.” He chuckled and shook his head. His father wouldn’t approve, of course, but only because the man believed in arranged marriages. His parents had been an arranged marriage.

“Your ma sounds cool. Mine doesn’t care if my heart tells me to love someone, so long as she gets babies.”

“Mm…” Gavin nodded, “she is cool… But she didn’t mean heart like the bloody organ in my chest… Hart… Like a male deer.”

Seb laughed and Gav narrowed his eyes a little in warning. 

“No… Sorry…” Sebastian turned himself completely to face him. He laughed again quietly, “just… My last name.” He pointed, “Your ma’s a smart lady.” 

Gavin stared stupidly for a moment then started laughing. 

Yeah… She was a smart lady, indeed.  
  


****

### \- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

****


	9. Poetry In Motion

  
  
  
  
  


****

###  \- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

****

During a long lull in the fighting, they’d been permitted a very short liberty to head into Anchorage. Before they went, a Sergeant had lined them all out, throwing a proverbial book of rules at them. He paced the line of soldiers, pointing for emphasis, loudly listing off everything they cannot do. And then he concluded the lecture by telling them that rules are meant to be broken. So long as you don’t get caught, it doesn’t matter.

And with that, the book went right out the window. 

Rule number one had been broken immediately when they all hit the nearest bar and got shit-faced drunk. 

Soldiers filled the bar and it brought out a mess of civilians. There had been other times soldiers had gone into town, but this had been the first time their unit had been permitted. The civvies knew the drill. The civilian women, in particular. 

And when the women started coming out, rule number two was broken. Repeatedly. 

Torin returned to their table with two women, one on each arm. “This is Sherry and…” He paused for a moment then remembered, “Kate.”

The women smiled and waved little hellos as O’Malley sat them down and introduced the boys. Kate crowded in next to Gavin, the other sat between Torin and his brother. 

Gavin couldn’t tell if they were prostitutes at first. He had been told by his brothers that the way you could tell is that if she’s a civvy and she smiles at you, she’s a prostitute. Kate was smiling at him. He had an appreciation for the women who would just walk up and make a proposition outright. Business. Easy to understand. Gav had been propositioned four times over the course of the night, and it had only been three hours in. 

He had turned them away, but the more he drank, the more he got to thinking about it. 

Kate leaned close to Gav to be heard and pointed at the table. “What are you boys playing?” 

“King’s Cup.” Gavin’s eyes lingered on her for a moment. She was pretty. And she smelled nice. How long had it been since he’d been this close to a girl? 

He pulled his attention from her and turned to Seb next to him gathering the cards from around the table. Gavin watched his hands move. His eyes trailed slowly over Seb’s arms up to his face. 

Sebastian glanced sideways at him and smiled as he scattered the cards. That smile. Gavin grinned and couldn’t manage to look away. He was staring stupidly at the man and his rapidly decreasing sobriety had failed him. 

He wanted Seb in the worst way.  
  


**\- - - - - - - - - -**

If those two women were prostitutes, they sucked at their job. Not in the correct manner of speaking. Gav still wasn’t sure. They had stayed and drank with the boys for over an hour. Their drunken giggles were like music Gavin hadn’t heard in a long time. The more they all drank, laughed and talked, the more friendly they became. And ‘friendly’ meant sexually bold.

Kate had her hand on Gavin’s thigh and kept leaning close to him to talk. Half the time he didn’t even register what she was saying as he just stared stupidly at her painted lips and grinned, nodding at appropriate times. 

Her hand moved up and she leaned closer to whisper something in his ear and Sebastian stood up. Gav turned to watch him head to the bathroom, never hearing what it was Kate had said. 

Aedan drew a King from the pile of cards and dumped some of his drink into the large central pitcher. He raised an eyebrow at Gavin from across the table. The boys could hold entire conversations with zero words by this point and that look on his face clearly read _‘go get your boy and do some damage control, you dumb jackass.’_  
  


**\- - - - - - - - - -**

Gavin poked his head in the bathroom then stepped inside timidly and put his back up against the wall.

“Seb?”

He didn’t look up from the sink. A quiet grunt of acknowledgment. 

“I’m... Sorry.” Gavin pointed to the door then dropped his shoulders. “I’m being an ass. I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine.” Sebastian turned and leaned against the counter, crossing his arms loosely. His smile was forced. “You like girls, I get that. It’s okay if you wanna take her to a room.” A small shoulder shrug. “Our deal is more of a foxhole fling.”

That hurt. Gavin stepped forward and shook his head, “no, Seb. It’s not.” Why couldn’t he find the words he wanted? Was it the alcohol? Nervous? Stupid. All Gav knew was that the pained look in Sebastian’s blue eyes tore at his chest and he wanted nothing more than to hold him close.

“It’s okay, Vin, it really is.” He dropped his arms. The smile was still fake. 

Gavin had learned quite a lot in his time spent with the Chinese men. The biggest thing he took away from the ordeal was to never take things for granted. 

“I want _you,_ Seb.” Gav’s smile was completely genuine. “Ever since we set foot in this town I’ve been thinking about just how and when I could get you alone somewhere. Really alone. Fuck storage rooms and supply closets, I want you on a bed. And maybe a couch. Table...” His drunken words weren’t the most poetic, but the waterfall that poured from his lips were all of his uninhibited thoughts and feelings.

Sebastian grinned and glanced down at the floor. As Gavin reached out to touch him the door opened. Two drunk soldiers stumbled in to take a piss and Gavin rolled his eyes. 

He took Seb by the sleeve and tugged him toward the door, speaking quietly, “and fuck getting interrupted.”  
  


**\- - - - - - - - - -**

As soon as the door closed, Gav pushed him against the wall with a deep kiss. They were in a room. _Their room._ It felt so fucking great to finally be able to kiss him like that without a constant fear of getting caught. He trailed hungry kisses along the man’s jaw and nipped at his neck as his hands went immediately to work fumbling with Seb’s clothing.

Sebastian let his shirt fall to the floor then worked to slow him down. “We have time…” He spoke against Gav’s neck as he moved them both from the wall toward the bed. 

Gav uttered a frustrated growl and fell back on the mattress, pulling him down with. 

“We have time.” Seb repeated with a chuckle as he rested his weight on Gav.

“Not enough time.” He shoved a hand between their bodies to rub fingers along Seb’s restricted erection against his hip. Stupid fucking fatigues. His head spun when he closed his eyes and Gav felt like he would fall off the bed if it weren’t for Seb’s weight against him. The hot frame of his body felt so good pressing him down on the bed like that.

Sebastian took control and slowed him down considerably. When Gavin grew frustrated at the beginning, Seb kissed him slow and deep until he relaxed. He took both of Gavin’s hands, interlaced their fingers, and held them up just above his head as he pressed his naked body against Gavin’s. He was slow and deliberate with every movement he made and Gav writhed under him, coming to a point of insanity where he begged to be taken. 

Sebastian taught him a lot of things that night. 

Patience. Devotion. Control. 

When Gav fell asleep with his head on Sebastian’s shoulder, his thoughts were peaceful. For the first time in years, Gavin could close his eyes and think of happier things. 

And when he woke up a few hours later, he was still thinking of happier things. He grinned at Seb until the man cracked open one eye to peer down at him. 

“What?”

Gav kissed his shoulder. “How about we go AWOL and just stay here?” 

Sebastian laughed quietly, “sounds good to me.” After a moment he opened both eyes and looked down at him. “Wait… How serious are you?”

He chuckled and rolled over to straddle Seb’s hips, “about forty percent.”

Sebastian ran his hands up Gav’s thighs and smiled. 

Gavin loved that smile so very much. 

“How about…” He ran his hands over Seb’s chest and grinned, “we go take a shower and get clean… Then get dirty all over again...”

Sebastian laughed, “Think I’ve created a monster!”  
  


****

###  \- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

****

Normally, Gavin wouldn’t have been allowed to the meeting, since he was now just a Private First Class. He was allowed in because of previous circumstances. Everyone he knew still viewed him as a Sergeant, even Jacobs who had taken his place.

And especially Chase. The General refused to acknowledge the PFC rank altogether and tried to force the higher rank back on him. Perhaps Chase had taken Gavin’s willful demotion as a personal affront to him since he had been the one to ‘gift’ the Sergeant rank to him initially. 

Gav was done leading men. He never wanted to have to make life or death decisions for anyone ever again. 

“We’re gearing up to push even further out.” Maxson set a few more pieces on the table map near the Bering Strait. “When we get the next supply of power armor, we’ll have a third of our men outfitted and ready for a big assault.” He stuck a couple small cardboard arrows on the map and stood back to look it over. “Let’s just hope the weather agrees with us.”

Chase nodded to himself as he looked the map over. “Should have a nice shiny Commie-stomping army in the next few days.” He grinned and rubbed his hands together, “This will be a--”

“I swear to Christ, if you say cakewalk I’ll lose it.” Gavin blurted out from the back corner. Eyes fell on him and he added a quiet, “Sir,” to the end of his outburst.

Chase laughed heartily.  
  


****

###  \- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

****


	10. Protector Protected

  
  
  
  
  


****

### \- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

****

The Reds had discovered one way of dealing with giant armored men and Gavin had to constantly fight the voices in his head telling him that it had been because of him.

It lacked finesse, but they found that if they sprayed bullets or explosives at the armor’s power cell, a shot would disable the thing seven times out of ten. Good odds for them. Trick was, getting an armored soldier to turn around and expose the core. 

When the tactic was first used on a group of soldiers, they got out of the disabled armor and were quickly taken down. Sitting ducks for a fleeting moment before taking cover. The men who were used to power armor started to grow too bold and careless over the years. Once naked, it was almost as though half of them forgot they weren’t bullet proof. 

After the first time, PA troops had been taught to remain in their suits if this should happen. 

And then the Reds plucked those ducks off with explosive rounds fired from snipers. A .50 cal round could bust through the face of a helmet with little to no resistance if it hit the eye glass or certain weak points in the sides. 

Once disabled, it was a coin flip decision to stay in the armor or chance it and run. 

Torin turned around just enough and a well-placed shot hit him right in the power core. He was one of five soldiers who sat in the middle of the field disabled. 

“He’s going to run…” Sebastian spoke quietly as he peered through the spotter scope next to Gavin in the rocks. 

“Fuck.” Gav made a small movement. “Find any more?” 

“Looking…” Seb moved slowly, inch by inch. “We’ve hit five now... It’d be nice if there weren’t any left.”

“Yeah… Nice.” Gavin watched Torin in the middle of the field. “Wait for an escort…” He whispered under his breath, willing the words to his friend’s head. 

Another perk of Chase ignoring the PFC rank… Gavin got to be a sniper as requested. However, the worst part about being a sniper, Gavin decided, was the lack of communication with the soldiers on the field. He and Seb were often out in the backlines somewhere far away from everyone and any help they might need. And most times Gavin had to carefully decide which shots were worth the risk of being discovered and which he had to hold back while he watched people getting hurt. This was a personal hell for him. But he did it because he felt like he could watch over people and protect them better this way. 

Chase had been right about that. Hard decisions. He was still making them, regardless of rank or position.

Two armored soldiers approached Tor to body block incoming fire so he could run and just before he stepped out of the armor, dirt and snow exploded all around the three of them. 

“Tor!” Gav flinched, jerking to the side to peer through his scope at his friend.

A little sound zipped past his ear. Something like a bug or a bird. Muffled. Fast. _It touched him._

He fought the instinct to touch his face when he felt the sting of cold air just under his glasses. Then a cold trickle started to run down his skin. 

“Seb…” He blinked stupidly for a moment. “Move!”

They both scrambled backward to take better cover behind the rocks and trees and Gav touched his cheek. 

“Found us. Shit…” Sebastian crouched low next to the tree that had been behind them on the hill.

Gavin stared down at the blood smeared across the fingers of his glove. he couldn’t stop staring for a moment as his mind went back to the sniper on the hill from his very first battle. Years ago. Thoughts always have a way of sneaking up on you like that. _Right to the gut._

“Vin… You’re good.” Seb pulled Gavin’s hand down. “You’re good.” He pulled a glove off and picked up a small twig. Reaching around, he felt the trunk up and down for a moment until he came across the bullet hole. Seb poked the stick into the hole and smiled at Gav, “I’m going to poke my head out and--”

“No.” 

“It’ll be okay. We need to figure out how far--”

“No.” Gavin repeated sternly. He glared and took his helmet off. “We’ll do it this way.” He picked up a branch and plopped the helmet on top.

“That’ll only work once.” He shook his head. “What are you going to do when you go to shoot?”

“Damnit, Seb. No.”

“Vin… You need to take him out. He knows where we are. We’re useless to everyone hiding behind this tree.” He poked the stick around in the hole around the front of the tree as best he could while not looking and pointed in a direction. “He’s over there… Somewhere.” He set his scope up on the side of the tree in the scrub brush and tried to find the sniper while they hid.

Gavin tugged him back behind the tree and stared at him. “Fine. But I’ll do it.”

“Vin--”

He narrowed his eyes.

“Okay…” Seb lowered his head and pulled his glove back on without another word. 

Sebastian was excellent at being a Lieutenant but fell into quick submission whenever Gavin was serious about something.

Gav stuck his helmet out from around the tree a little and moved it slowly. It was hit immediately. 

They looked at one another and nodded. 

“Four seconds.” Gav picked the helmet up off the ground and turned it over in his hands to put it back on his head and saw that the bullet had gone clean through. “Why the fuck do we even bother…” He sighed and strapped it back on as Sebastian did his math.

“I’m going to give him two seconds for an adjustment.” He furrowed his brow for a moment then nodded, “Vin… The only place he could be is…” He counted on his fingers for a second, “he’s more than nine hundred yards away.”

“Cakewalk.” Gav snorted. _He shouldn’t have said that._

Seb drew a hasty map on his notebook and pointed out the spot he figured the man had to be. He shook his head, “you have two seconds to find him. Vin you can’t--”

“I've got this.” He grinned and scooted toward the other side of the tree on his belly. 

Sebastian watched him and lowered himself down to move back and out of the way as Gav squirmed into the scrub. 

It’s surprising how long two seconds can be. 

At first he couldn’t find anything, but then the sun glinted off a scope… Just barely. A little flash of bright-- _The sniper fired._

Gavin pulled the trigger and was rewarded by a faint spray of pink in the snow. _He got him._

He lay still for several heartbeats, afraid to move. He blinked a few times and steadied his racing heart. 

_He got him._

_Cakewalk..._

Gav smiled. 

“Seb…” He moved to get a better view of the field and Torin’s situation. The two escorting men had him and were retreating to safety as the rest of the soldiers moved on down the valley. Tor was safe and that was one less sniper to worry about.

“Told you--” Gavin turned his head and Sebastian wasn’t there behind him. 

He got behind the tree and crouched, holding his gun tightly. “Seb?”

His eyes trailed over Sebastian’s footprints. He’d ran. Gavin froze as he saw a bit of blood splatter against a rock a little ways from him. It was dripping. He got on his knees and inched forward to peer around his cover. 

Inched out a little further. 

“Sebastian?” He whispered.

Then his eyes fell on his form slumped against a rock.  
  


**\- - - - - - - - - -**

Gavin had always been a runner.

His father had raised him to be a caretaker. In charge. When he was to be married, he’d eventually become one of the men in charge of her family. Protector. Sentinel. Ciobanu. It was an honor to be the head of a family like that. 

He’d tried to stand up for his cousins and the women in his family when he was younger. In towns when they played music for money on the streets, they’d always be hassled by someone at some point. Always. 

Gavin tried to stand up for them and protect them as best he could. Sometimes it was too much and he’d run away from camp for days. Whenever someone he was supposed to be watching over got hurt… Gav ran. 

It hurt them, but it hurt him just as deeply. 

_His sister._

How could he ever face his father, his grandfather, his soon-to-be wife’s family… He couldn’t protect anyone. _He was a failure._

Sebastian always told him these things weren’t his fault. But they were. Seb could never understand… Being responsible for others means taking all the responsibility for anything that happens to those people entrusting their lives to the man in charge. If those people made a stupid decision, it was because their leader had failed them at some point. 

When Sebastian had made the decision to make the sniper move to reveal himself and distract him from hitting Gav… That was on Gavin. 

_So Gavin ran._

He ran through the snow as best he could while carrying Seb over one shoulder. 

Torin ran out to him as he approached their fall back point and tried to take Sebastian from him. 

“No.” Gavin’s face was red, covered in blood on one side… And streaked with tears. “No…”

He set Seb down in the bed of a truck and wiped his eyes with the back of his glove, smearing more blood and dirt across his face. 

Jacobs ran up to them with a medkit and nearly dropped it on the tailgate as he fumbled to quickly open it. “Is he--”

“No…” Gavin repeated in a stupor. He shook his head and worked to find coherency, “I got him already.”

Torin took Gav gently by the shoulders and pulled him away from the truck. He took a few steps then collapsed from exhaustion. He legs just didn’t want to work anymore. 

Gavin stared at the truck while soldiers helped him to his feet and pulled him away.  
  


****

### \- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

****


	11. Avalanche

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***Trigger Warning - graphic death.**

  
  
  
  
  


****

### \- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

****

Chase had said it was a victory. And it was. They’d pushed the Red Army all the way back across the Bering Strait. He was setting up a plan of pursuit as soldiers set up a new base around him. He’d probably name it Constantine.

Gavin didn’t really care anymore. He didn’t want anything named after him ever again. 

He poked at the stitches along the side of his face. They itched. It wasn’t a very deep wound and he only got five stitches, but he was painfully aware of them every time he yawned. Or smiled. Or wrinkled his nose. 

Torin leaned forward from his seat on the crate next to him and looked at his face. 

Gav raised an eyebrow at him… Which also pulled the stitches.

“Them bears are becomin’ a real problem.” Tor grinned.

“You should see the bear.” He gave a half smile, mindful of the wound.

Torin eyed him for a moment then frowned a little. “Seb’s good.”

Gavin nodded, “I know.”

Sebastian had been hit in the thigh. They had one stimpak between the two of them and it hadn’t been enough to completely stop the bleeding, but it saved his life. They’d evac’d him out… Back to their closest forward base. Gav tried to go with, but they wouldn’t let him. He’d put up a pretty good fight about it, but in the end he was held back as the bird took off. 

He’d received word that Seb was doing well and could return in a few days. That should have made him feel better. Should have. 

“Ya know…” Torin spoke carefully, “brothers look out fer each other.” 

Gavin closed his eyes. _He had tried to look out for Seb._

Tor put an arm around him, “ _each other._ ” He smiled when Gav looked at him. “Not just one guy playin’ brave invincible knight all the time.”

Gav snorted softly and shook his head. 

“If yer doin’ all the protectin’…” Torin gave him a tight squeeze, “then who’s gunna protect _you?”_

“I don’t need it.” He stared down at the ground.

“Bull shite!” Tor scoffed, “ya can’t carry the weight of the entire fuckin’ world on yer back and expect not ta break.”

Gav glanced sideways at him. “That was oddly profound.”

“Yeah.” He pulled his arm from Gavin and hopped off the crate to leave. “Don’t expect any more of that shite. Gave me a headache.”  
  


****

### \- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

****

As soon as the base was about seventy percent operational, Chase ran another assault.

An avalanche had started with the snowball push across the Strait. And, surprisingly, that’s what the new operation had been called… Operation Avalanche. 

Two things Chase hadn’t managed to slap his name on.

The drawback to the fast paced hard-hitting assaults was that, often times, they were sloppy. 

The soldiers had stepped onto enemy territory. They had to move quickly to keep the pressure on.

Gavin was sitting in a Halftrack escorting power armor… Yet again. 

Unlike last time, however, He was riding with an entire army. They even had vertibirds overhead outfitted with big ass .50 cal gatling guns. 

He wondered if Zheng was still alive. Out there somewhere…

Strange thought, but Gavin had often caught himself thinking of the man. _He’d never forget him._ Gav still harbored strange fucked up feelings toward him. He wondered if they’d ever fade away. 

Gavin sympathized with his enemy. He’d even forgiven them all for what they’d done to him. There was a strange freedom in that. 

The trucks from Gav’s unit veered off and broke away from the main army and he watched those trucks and birds disappear over the horizon. 

They were to be a special fireteam elsewhere to clear out some buildings on an overlook. Large for a fireteam… 

Nine of them. 

Counting Chase, who insisted on being a part of the special little side operation.

Which he named Constantine. 

Because of course he did.  
  


****

### \- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

****

Though Gavin still firmly believed he was not going to die in this war, he now had a deep personal knowledge that there were, most definitely, worse things than dying.

This made him a little more careful. 

Torin, in his power armor, kicked in a door and the group of them breached the building, clearing it completely from bottom to top before anyone even noticed. 

They’d been sleeping. 

Somehow, three of them were still asleep on the third floor after all the commotion below. 

Even though Gavin sympathized and had a better understanding of his enemies, he still had no problem killing them. 

He set up in the window covering the doorway of their target building in the distance. He had a nice clear view. 

Sebastian wasn’t with him on this one. This was the first time he’d be playing sniper on his own. 

Everything went smoothly… For about fifteen minutes.

Then shit hit the fan and things went south faster than Chase could say _‘cakewalk’._  
  


**\- - - - - - - - - -**

“Get a fucking medkit!” Gavin pressed his thumb hard against Torin’s neck, sinking into the wound to try and stop the bleeding. “Get the… _Fuck… Hurry!_ ”

Torin covered Gav’s hand with one of his. His fingers were cold and the grip was weak. 

“Hurts…” He panted between tightly clenched teeth, “help me…”

Gavin tried to press harder. “It’s okay. You’re good... You’re good.” He squeezed his eyes closed for a moment then yelled over his shoulder again, “where’s the fucking medkit?”

Someone finally knelt down with the kit and opened it, pulling out bandages and a syringe that was definitely not a stimpack.

“The fuck?” Gav yelled at the soldier beside him. “The fuck am I supposed to do with--” He worked to calm himself for Torin’s sake. “Where’s the spak?”

The soldier spoke quietly, “General was hurt.”

Gavin felt sick. _Save it for later._ Tor would be okay. Just need that bird to land. Any minute. _Any fucking minute._

“ETA on the evac?” Gavin remained with his thumb in the neck wound as the other soldier started cutting away Torin’s clothing and addressing other wounds, giving him a shot of painkillers and wrapping his arm. He heard another soldier behind him on the radio. “The evac? Where’s the bird? Why isn’t it here yet?” He tried not to yell. Tried. Failed. 

The man on the radio squatted down. “Five.”

Five minutes was an eternity. 

Someone else approached with a field stretcher and rolled it out. Gavin kept his hand right where it was as they moved Torin onto the thing and started strapping him in. 

“Tor… Torin?” Gavin tapped his face. “Stay with me.”

He opened his eyes a little and gave a tired smile. That little lopsided grin of his. “Still here.”

Four minutes. 

Two hundred and forty seconds. 

“Two minutes. You’re good.” Gav forced a smile. 

Three. 

Two.

One.

Gavin heard the helicopter in the distance and the boys lifted the stretcher. Gavin’s hand never moved, even through the cramping and pain of trying to desperately stop the bleeding. Even as Tor was slid into the bird, his hand remained. Gav awkwardly half climbed in after him and held tight as the medics worked. Immediately, they gave Torin a stimpak, then strapped an extended release to his arm. 

They pulled his hand away from the wound and Gav just stared. There was nothing else he could do. The medics nudged him back and Torin grabbed at his blood covered hand. 

Gavin squeezed tight. “You’re good.”

“I know.” Torin tried to move his head to smile at Gav, but they held him down, laying a strap across his forehead to hold him tightly in place. 

He stood in the grass and stared after the helicopter until it became a black dot. Gavin spoke quietly to himself, “you’re good...”  
  


****

### \- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

****

_Torin O’Malley._

This time, Gavin did run. 

He’d taken a jeep and left. Just like that. 

He drove it into a tree, stumbled out, and laid down on a hill next to the wreckage.

Gavin was done. He couldn’t do it anymore. 

He closed his eyes and was immediately hit with the fresh memory of the mission. 

They’d been ambushed. 

Torin’s suit was disabled. 

Chase ordered him to step out… Gavin told him to stay in. They’d fought about it. 

_Torin stepped out._

He shouldn’t have gotten out of the armor. 

Gavin hadn’t finished clearing threats… There was one left. 

_One left._

How would everything have changed if Gavin had pulled the trigger five seconds faster?

He couldn’t even cry anymore.  
  


**\- - - - - - - - - -**

He was still laying on the hill when they’d found him.

His own men. They’d hauled him back to the front lines. He was still there with the fighting men, but he’d been placed under arrest for going AWOL. They were going to fly him out when they got the chance. 

_He didn’t care._

Why didn’t they just shoot him and save the trouble?

Because it had been Maxson’s team that found him.

“You’re a good man, Kidd.” Maxson sat down next to him. “You have a good heart.”

Gav sighed, “wish I didn’t.”

“It isn’t easy… Caring so deeply.”

“Have you lost anybody close?” Gavin pulled his knees up and pressed the back of his head against the tree. 

He glanced down and nodded. “Couple people.”

“How do you deal with it?” Gav stared out into the distance. 

“Never forget who they were.” He smiled for a moment, “I keep a book. I Write their names down and some fond memories. Things they’ve said... Things they’ve accomplished.” He shrugged and pulled some grass from the ground idly. “May seem odd, but I find it comforting to keep a codex of fallen brothers.” 

“Is Torin’s name in your book?” 

Maxson nodded. “Just the name. Haven’t had time yet to write much else.” He eyed Gavin carefully as he pulled a small notebook and pencil from his vest. “You can do the honors if you like.” He raised an eyebrow and waited for Gav to take the book. 

Gavin flipped through the pages. Several names. Over a hundred. 

He found Torin’s name near the end and stared at it for a while. Then he wrote. 

Gavin wrote down Torin’s age. Wrote about his positive attitude and ready smile. He wrote down what Tor had said to him about carrying the weight of the world on his back. 

He found himself smiling as he read his words back to himself. He did feel a little better knowing Torin’s name was in a book and that he would be remembered in such a way. 

Gav handed the codex notebook and pencil back to Maxson and he rested his head against the tree once more. 

“Thank you.” Gavin was still smiling faintly. “For everything.”

They sat on the hill for a little while longer then Maxson moved to stand.

In the distance, Gavin caught a glint of sunlight off glass. Just a flash of--

He leaped up without even thinking about it and shoved Maxson down on the ground, covering his body with his own. 

Gav stared into his eyes. 

He blinked once. Twice. Then everything caught up to him and Gavin clenched his teeth tightly, groaned, then rolled to the side. 

Moving caused pain. 

The worst pain he had ever experienced in his life. Worse than anything he’d endured in the Chinese camp. 

He awkwardly pulled at the chinstrap of his helmet. Couldn’t breathe. 

People were around him. Hands were on him trying to keep him still. 

Holding him down. 

He was yelling. 

It hurt. _God, make the pain stop._

Spak. 

Morphine. 

Anything. 

_Please._

Someone said there was no exit wound. 

Can’t stim until the bullet is out. 

There were already birds nearby. Right there. 

They were removing his vest. Cutting his clothes away. 

All he could see was bloody rags. 

A gaping hole in the back of his vest. 

Someone, at some point, hit him with a shot of morphine. 

Didn’t help. 

He tried to get up. They held him down. 

Cold. 

Confusion. 

Vertibird.  
  


****

### \- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

****

He opened his eyes.

More confusion. 

Gavin struggled to get up. 

He couldn’t. 

He started to panic and a woman rushed to his side. 

_A woman._

She calmed him, checked his I.V., typed something on a terminal…

He was in a hospital. 

The nurse put something in his I.V. and he felt heavy. Closed his eyes.  
  


****

### \- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

****


	12. One Day...

  
  
  
  
  


****

### \- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

****

Gavin was in Canada.

He wasn’t going to be sent to prison for trying to go AWOL. In fact, that entire incident vanished from any records.

They were going to award him a Purple Heart and some other things. He didn’t care too much about that, he wanted to go back home. 

Back home to the base. His brothers. 

_Sebastian._

But they weren’t going to let him go back. Not this time. 

The shot to the back had gone through his vest, destroyed his kidney and partially shattered one of his vertebrae. Irreparably. 

The military turned their heads from many things, but this wasn’t one they were willing to overlook. Gavin tried to fight it. Tried. Failed. 

He wanted to see Sebastian again. Be held. Be loved and cared for. Lay down beside him with his head on his shoulder, fingers interlaced. At peace like the night they shared in Anchorage. 

Gavin didn’t have any way to reach him and Seb would never be able to find Gav once he went back to his caravan. The only hope he had was to try and write to him. 

So he did. 

He wrote several letters from the hospital then several more as he stayed in a hotel before being able to go back to the states. 

He never got a reply.  
  


****

### \- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

****

On the very last day before he was about to disappear right off the map back to his caravan, Gavin saw him.

He hadn’t received any of Gavin’s letters yet because he hadn’t been back to the base. He had heard about what happened to Gavin and raised a good amount of Hell about it. With a little help from the original White Hawk unit, Sebastian was granted an unorthodox leave of absence. 

So here he was. 

Laying Next to Gavin in the hotel bed. 

For that moment, everything was perfect. 

Gav pressed his lips against the freckles on Seb’s shoulder and smiled against his skin. 

“What?” He smiled.

“Run away with me.” Gavin bit his shoulder lightly then added, “ninety percent serious.”

Sebastian’s smile faded slightly and he rolled over to face him. He ran his fingers through Gavin’s hair, now just barely long enough to be messy. 

Seb pressed his lips against Gav’s forehead and his fingertips trailed down the side of his face, resting on his jaw. “I love you.” 

Gavin closed his eyes and nestled his head up under Seb’s chin. “I love you, too.” He relaxed into the embrace, enjoying the comforting feeling of Sebastian’s hand gently stroking the back of his head, neck, and shoulder. 

“I’ll wait for you…” 

Seb squeezed him tight, “no you won’t.”

“I will…” Gav pulled back to look him in the eyes, “when you get out--”

“No, Vin. I don’t want you to.” He smiled, “go home to your family. Get married and have kids. This world… This life… It isn’t yours anymore.” 

Gavin swallowed the lump in his throat. “I want you in whatever life I have.”

“We both know it isn’t--”

“We can start our own family together…” Gav plead.

Seb shook his head slightly, “no, Vin. Please don’t make this more difficult.”

He opened his mouth to beg, then slowly closed it and nestled up under his chin once more to hide his tears.  
  


****

### \- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

****

It wouldn't have been the right thing. Gavin knew it.

Seb was letting him go with that last great memory to save him any later heartache. 

Saving him from the heartache of being kicked out of his family for not marrying Nora as he was supposed to. 

Heartache from losing Sebastian to the war. 

Was this pain any different? Any better? Perhaps it was. He would always have that last day. 

Gavin did need someone to protect him as he had always done for others. Someone to look out for him and love him. 

He wrote to Sebastian often. 

At first. 

And he’d left a return address from a winter farm they sometimes stayed at in Boston. 

Sebastian didn’t return any letters. 

Except one. 

He received a package one winter. A large package. 

Inside was Gentry’s guitar, the busted Christmas tree star helmet, a broken plank of wood with some white paint on it and twelve names, a picture that had been taken of the boys at White Hawk… And one of Sebastian’s dog tags. 

Seb’s letter had been signed by all the remaining men from White Hawk.

It said they were doing well, kicking ass, getting new versions of the power armor called a T-51b which Aedan was practically drooling over, and that Seb was going to accompany Captain Maxson to the states on a special mission to West Tek and then a place called Mariposa Military Base sometime within the following year. 

Gavin folded the letter and tucked it away into his trunk. He’d read it about a hundred times now. 

Still got a lump in his throat every time. 

He pressed his lips against the dog tag and let it fall on the chain against his chest. 

He turned to his mother and she pressed the palm of her hand against the scar on his cheek.

“One day…” She spoke quietly, “in a very long time from now… You will be reunited with your hart.” She smiled, “he may look different, but the stag will have the same soul.”

Gav smiled and kissed her forehead. 

_She was never wrong._  
  
  
  


****

### \- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

****

Piper ran her hand down his back and paused just above his scar. He could feel her eyes on him, contemplating the puckered jagged mark on his skin. Nora had done the same thing many times over and he’d never talked about it before. She asked a few times, but Gavin would walk away or shut down. He wasn’t ready to talk about it then.

But now?

He was finally ready and telling his story had been liberating. Though his red-rimmed eyes burned and the lump in his throat hurt, he felt a weight lift off his shoulders. His scars would never fully heal, but the ones on his heart were starting to fade, bit by bit. There’d always be pain in remembrance, but being able to finally talk about it was one step toward healing.

****

### \- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _** “One day…” She spoke quietly, “in a very long time from now… You will be reunited with your hart.” She smiled, “he may look different, but the stag will have the same soul.”_ \-- [**_The Bird and the Stag_**](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7390669/chapters/16787806) \-- ((mind the tags))


End file.
